Not Telling: "You have--a fear of commitment."

Me: "I do not have a fear--of commitment."

Not Telling: "You have...a fear...of commitment."

Me: "Are you done with your food?"

Not Telling: "What was it about me that suddenly made you change your mind?" He began to twirl his fork into his chicken whilst staring directly into my eyes.

Me: "Do you really want to know?" I tossed my napkin onto my plate and covered my mouth with my hand, slouching into it.

Not Telling: "Yes. I do."

Me: "You wave at airplanes."

Not Telling: He jerks his head back, arches his eyebrows in disbelief, and half-opens his mouth.

I'm not kidding, guys. He waves at airplanes. My four-year-old nephew waves at airplanes.

Me: "You see, [not telling], once I noticed that, I began to picture you doing it all the time. Then I tried to picture us..."

Not Telling: "Picture us what?..."

Me: "Nevermind."

Not Telling: "So even though we get along perfectly, even though we have so much in common, even though we can talk about nothing together and still enjoy each others' company, you wouldn't give me a try because I waved to airplanes?" He said that so loud that people a few tables down from us started to turn and stare at him.

Me: "Look, you're a really nice-looking guy. I think you and I could be friends for a long time, I totally could see that happening. But I just don't find anything sexually appealing about you. [Not telling], what if we were in bed one night and thing were getting really steamy and the window was open--you hear a plane soaring by--and you jump up to the window and stick your arm out and wave??!"

Not Telling: "I can't believe you're acting this way."

Me: "There's just things you do sometimes that totally turn me off on all levels that rise above the friendship level."

Not Telling: "Do tell."

Me: "Like that one time you and I were in your car and you had bought us matching hats [as if that wasn't reason enough]. You said 'I choose to not wear my hat backwards. I think it's just something the kids do these days. You know?' And I was like, you are 25 years old, you're a kid. I don't care if you wear a tie to work and have never withdrawn from your savings account to splurge on video games, you're still a kid. My 56-year-old uncle wears his hats backwards! Who gives a **** how anyone wears their hat??"

Not Telling: "Wow. You're not making much sense, Kara. So you're telling me that you won't date anyone who wears their hats forward and gives friendly waves to airplanes? Hmm? Maybe that writing talent of yours is simply a blanket of luck that masks your overall stupidity. Maybe being a writer isn't as admirable now that you are one of the title-holders of such a profession."

He was getting cocky and bitter now. I wasn't sure whether to get pissed off and whirl my plate at him like a frisbee or to get up and leave. I just sat across from him, watching him for a moment, wiggling his head so immaturely at me to prod an argumentative answer as my response. Instead of arguing, I decided to just be a bitch.

Me: "You're right. Maybe I just need a good laugh. Something light, meaningless but highly comical to help calibrate my overall human judgement,"

I sizzled in this moment, bemusing him and trying to imagine his next reaction.

Me: "Quick, [not telling]. Show me your penis."

I wish you could have seen his face........