How are all of you???

I'm fine here at home, :) and I will be back to really write on Sunday night I hope you guys didn't forget about me

Eeew.

It's raining, it's a little cold and I have to be back at work at 5. The vice president is coming into our restaurant tonight and heard I was back. It's up to either me and Michele to wait on this guy and whoever he brings in. Becky's off tonight but she is of course coming by right when we're closing because it's Tuesday night and their are a select few of us old-school servers that are famous for going across the shopping center after we close down the Star and drink all the free beer and down all the tequila shots we can manage while playing darts and enjoying everyone at this place, until the lady that sells the cigarettes peeps around the corner where all of us are and croons with a cracked, high-pitched voice "Last call!! Come on girls, drink'em up, what's it gonna be, hurry up!"

Once I hear that dreaded voice it is at that point that make the executive decision as to if I will be driving myself home in the next few minutes; predictably, we usually end up back at Michele's apartment where her hot 17-year-old son has to be at school in the next few hours but we will all proceed to sit on the patio and talk until the sun comes up and discuss all the deep things people think about every day but don't really get the chance to fit it into their routine of everyday conversation. Michele, who I think is 43 she and I have been the 2 best servers at Lone Star for the past 5 years, Becky one of the newer bartenders who is one of the most prettiest mexican women I've ever met, and I are always the last ones remaining to call it a night and we're the closest; we've each had our own situations where we've had to defend the other one be it a guy situation or a financial one. I have a feeling we'll be doing the all-nighter again tonight and it is by that time around 7:30 Wednesday morning that Becky and I do the walk of shame back to the bar and retreive our vehicles.

So anyway, that's our Tuesdays, sometimes our Wednesdays Thursdays and Saturdays too, heh.

Well thankfully I'm off Wednesday, Jeff and I are going out to lunch tomorrow and that should be fun, we'll have the whole day I think.

Wow, I'm tired. Hm :) alright well I'm off...

Happy Tuesday!

Wow. I have free time...This is amazing.

I believe I am alotted about 1-1/2 to 2 hours a day of free time and after that it's back to work work work. The awesome thing about this is that I love work!

So after work last night I went over to Jeff's and we made tacos and played on his playstation (you will never see me doing that again, I honestly don't understand why everyone gets so worked up about video games I'd much rather have just eaten the tacos and watched a horribly directed soap opera).

We were really busy for lunch today. I saw a million bbq chicken sandwiches with cheddar and bacon on them on the line today during lunch time and I absolutely had to have one by the time I got off work, so I did. Then one of our bar regulars bought it for me! That was cool, so I went over and thanked him and we talked about his dog and the country and Herndon itself and how much it's grown since the old days.

--Look at this I'm writing about NOTHING and this is AWESOME. Ah, a simple life.

Ooh, an exciting note, I got my new debit card in the mail and it has little dollar bills all over it so I figured it was time to switch purses for some reason. Okay I'm going to maybe put some barrettes in my hair for work and then go pick up cigarettes for everyone that works tonight before I come in for the dinner shift. I don't have to close tonight so I'm thinking I'll take Becky, Michele and Steve out for some darts and some drinks afterwards and we'll all crash at Michele's. I love it when we stay up really late and talk until 5 or 6am. I learn a lot from them, they're about 20 years older than me but they still seem 25 and we love each other, plus I think Becky gets hit on more than me sometimes!! Last night we all sat at table 20 and we were counting our tips and drinking cold beer with cigarettes hanging from our lips congregating. I asked Becky how she did behind the bar and she said "$140 and 3 phone numbers, one with a hotel room on it."

Wow. Those magical touches men have sometimes, you really have to hand it to them. Anyway, I better go, everyone have a good weekend!

Love,  Kara

I like how I just randomly gave myself the night off tonight.

"Dennis I'm not coming back tonight. I can't. I'm exhausted. Plus I start AAA tomorrow morning and close the restaurant tomorrow night."

"Sure you can. I'll cut you early."

We call Dennis "Cedric" because, well, he is Cedric the entertainer. He's also our bar manager and devotes the majority of his time at work trying to persuade me to be the mother of his children.

"You'll survive without me." I kept polishing knives and avoided his playful glare as he turned around to give me a quick retort.

"No we won't. Don't screw me, Kara, we need you." And he pronounced it Ker-ah as usual.

"You need my jean miniskirt is what you need, buddy, I'll see you tomorrow."

I cashed out, grabbed my pink backpack and my car keys and headed for the door and magically there stood Cedric at the host stand just staring down the floor plan as if he could just make more servers appear on it with his eyes.

"You killin' me dog, you leavin' me with four weak-ass servers."

Shit. I can never leave.

"You'll be fine, Ced, it's Sunday it's beautiful out and there's football on, that's why I don't feel guilty about taking tonight off you're not going to be busy."

"I hate you."

"I've called out twice in two and a half years Dennis and stop staring at my ass."

"See you tomorrow boo-boo." And with that he did his I'm-a-pimp stroll past the bar to go flirt with our cute tiny blonde bartender, Jess. She's been at the Star 6 years and we threw a knowing look at one another.

"Nothing changes, I see the animals still run the zoo on Sundays." she smirked at me.

"Don't you girls need the money?" asked our cracked-out regular, Roger.

"I made sixty-three for lunch today and I only had 4 tables."

"Daaaamn, Gina!" yelled Dennis who was flipping thru the newspaper at the bar.
"Well I am pretty damn good." I chimed at him and blew in his ear, just to be mean.

"Shut the hell up. Bye."

I hugged our hostess goodbye and waved at the 4 people that were in our restaurant. "Have a good night guys."

"Marry me." mumbled Dennis.

So here I am, not dressed up and somewhere to go. Meaning I need to go take a shower and throw my jeans in the dryer because Jeff's going to call and my phone's on vibrate and I currently have misplaced it.*nothing new*

I would also like to point out that there is nothing on Direct TV and I am the only idiot on the globe that constantly checks her email when she has not yet given out her email address.

...which leads us to Goodbye.

:)

I met up with Erica for the first time in like two years. She lives in Oakton about a mile away from Jeff's apt. Her hair was so much longer but then again so was mine.

I met up w/her at her apt around 7 and we went to her friend Renee's house to pick up some stuff for her and chilled there for a while and talked a lot. Then she and I went to Mr. Smith's. Lots of people there, we met up with Thomas, Nick, Bassam and Alex. Bassam fled with half a Bud Light still left most likely because I popped in there out of the blue and we hadn't seen each other in 8 months. I'm not really sure why he thought he needed to up and leave like that, our days are long over, but it was cool I lit up a cigarette and ordered a shot and even bought Erica and her boyfriend's tab. Then I drove home, Jeff keeps iming me b/c he can't sleep poor guy, but I'm going to be hurting still tomorrow I have to get up at 7am to push snooze until 7:30. ee, yikes. Happy first day back at AAA, Kara. Hee, it's the only way to do it :)

Man, I've had McDonald's all day today like a heffer. I guess when the clothes get tight I'll have to cut back a little on all the shit I've been eating lately.

I have to remember to bring my skirt and apron for work tomorrow night. geez I work 9-3 at AAA and then 5-10 at the Star and then I'm meeting Jeff for cheese fries wings and beer at Fat's after he closes his restaurant in Fairfax.

yeesh! Kara go the hell to bed!!

I left the Star on my break at 2:30. I drove the 4-1/2 miles to this luxurious 5-bedroom home that I pay rent to but never visit. I pull into the drive and see no one else is home. I run in, upstairs to my room, grab all my dirty clothes on the floor and throw them in the wash. I look in the fridge and see I have about 4 or 5 tablespoons of fat-free milk left so I grab a cereal bowl and get my Honey Bunches of Oats w/almonds and pour about 3 tablespoons of cereal in the bowl, then top if off with my literal splash of milk. This, ladies and fellows, is my lunch :) I won't have time to eat until probably 10:30 tonight when I get off from work. (This is okay, whatever)

So I take my large pink backpack that carries my disc-man, allll my makeup, my seven or eight cute t-shirts, 1 or 2 skirts and always a pair of jeans, my hair ties, my cell/car insurance bill so I don't forget to pay them, and my ten-pack of mini bacardi bottles that I use economically after we get off work in my diet cokes and eventually the beer becomes free after we close and I'll switch to that :). Anyway...Where was I? Aha.

Yeah so I lug that beast in to replace the old outfits from the past three days with the other stuff that's in the dryer right now. I grabbed some work stuff, some flip-flops and boots. I left my little blue backpack with rockets and spaceships all over it ($6 at K-mart, sooo cute!) in my truck. That little backpack is my "hygene" backpack which contains my shamp/cond, razor, deodorant, perfume, tooth brush/paste, and bodywash in the main zipper thing and ironically enough the front pocket is for my cigs and lighters. Hmm. Yeah but it all works out so, where was I ...???

Um, yes, so I've re-crammed my "at the bar with the girls" outfits and "when I'm with Jeff" outfits and they're fantastically stuffed in my backpack so that I can still zip it. AAA work clothes are stuffed behind my seat in a shopping bag and my apron is on the passenger seat. Dude. This is friggin crazy. (but I'm havin a blast, I will definitely assume that I will look back at my life 10 years later and think, Wow! I was wild and crazy and totally never knew what the next day would bring but man, I sure had some fun!!!)

So anyway. Yeah. Gotta go my clothes are dry. I just can't find my lone star shirt. I think I'll have to charge my cell while I'm at work.

Aaaand

She's off!!!

Who the fuck erased my stuff for the past week?

The music became soft in the background of my truck as I veered left at the fork, steadily following the curvy, plain black road in the deep forests of Hartwood, VA. The windows were down and a slow and easy smile appeared on my face under my blue Lone Star cap as I let the sounds of the country coo in my ears.

I passed a father and his little boy four-wheeling beside some empty horse stalls and then I passed Joe Decatur's house, the "older boy" in high school who was 17 and I remember being 12 and slipping a poem in his mailbox on Valentine's Day. Then came those tall, ancient Virginia trees that swallowed my white pickup as I disappeared inside the thickness of it.

I turned the music all the way off.

Over the bridge and up the hill was my late grandfather's 170-year-old farm that has been in his name  for the past 25 years now. When he died in 1996 my aunt Wanda became trustee and has been renting a small acreage to a very nice veterinarian for the past several years, and he's used to me visiting two or three times a year.

The gravel driveway crunched and mumbled underneath my big black tires and as I went quietly along it the trees eventually opened up to all 282 acres of our family's land. There were cherry trees, pear trees, Papa's old white mechanic shed next to the century-old red barns that held the hay for the horses; there was a huge pond with an island for the beavers to graze safely upon; the same yellow-green rolling hills and golden meadows that swarmed the old stone chimney at the top of the hill--it was all that remained from a fire that burned the original farmhouse down back in the 1800s. Beth and I used to act out skits around that chimney.

I didn't go all the way up the drive because it eventually curved around to our old house and I didn't want to disturb the vet guy because it was getting dark fast. But I had to have that last piece of day with my farm. I tilted my head out the window of my truck and shut my eyes. I took a deep breath and there came that simple yet purest feeling of peace as I smelled nothing but the leaves, memories, heaven and history.

I got out quietly and shut the car door and moved over towards the steel gate that opened up to the rest of our land. I ran my hand along the old wooden fence and the rusted nails stemming out of it. There were two horses on the other side of the fence but they were too busy eating to be worried by my presence.

I blew a kiss to the ground where we buried Tasha, our silver calico cat and I let the enormous scenery take me away for a glorious minute. I remember every trail I created, every creek Id walk across in my brand new tennis shoes and sometimes barefoot with Big-Head, our neighbor's great dane that always slept in my bedroom with me for some reason, lol. When it would snow my cousins and I would take my mother's cookie sheets and laundry baskets from inside the house and sled down the big hills and in the summertime after church Mom would let me ride the John Deere and I'd throw on a walkman and red lipstick and rock out for a few hours, heh.

"Hi," I whispered out to what I swear is Heaven. "It's me. I'm back."

I slipped out of my flip-flops and let my bare feet meet the familiar cold, soft bare grass and gravel rocks as I strolled back to my truck, a very spiritually content young woman.

"I'm home," I breathed to myself quietly while getting inside my truck. "I am so home."

5 hours later the Redskins lost but I guess that just goes with rolling with the punches of a terrific day, otherwise ;)

I must go shopping. If I'm spending more than 25 seconds in the closet going through shirts that means it's time to buy a new shirt.

In other news, I'm off tonight and that could get exciting.

K

Salvation

is skinny

flushing a silver skin

over its quiet bones

and tender movement

I taste the vanilla on my tongue

and love the righteous heat in my colorful eyes

as I am leaving you

and I am allowing you to watch

It feels phenomenal

taking a seat in my truck

I am alone there

Amidst the music

the white lanes

and a bunch of men's hearts stuffed behind the gray seats

it's an indescribable comfort

driving away with them...

When the light falls down

on your face, erasing

the shadow, the casted incinuation

...I become familiar with the front row

Come the ending,

when the curtain becomes restless to close

And the music stops, the breathing is low and quiet

...I am already gone

Never invited, small

among this crowd

I am elegant, forbidden

under your fingertips

among your stare, under the lights

...that keep falling

on you

on me

I can't help but see, explore that hidden path we have

created

...For each other...The show may never have started.

To A.

When the Star closes tonight, a limo will be pickings its illustrious employees/managers up tonight and we're going into good ol' D.C. for some dancing and drinking and probably later some "oh shit, where are we going to sleep tonight?" questions that will be floating around our silly heads at around 5:30 this morning. Never stopped us before though.

Becky and I met in the bathroom and pretended to fix our hair.

"We're sleeping in our cars together tonight right?"

"Hell if I'm going home with any one of them, much less be seen going home with a guy around this place--we come here too much and I'm surprised our names are still clean at this point." I nudged Becky and we shared a knowing smirk together.

"Okay. I'll park next to you when we leave. Come on Karamia, let's go get some free tequila."

"Yes'm." And we trotted out of the bathroom together and flossed our way to the bar where we knew something would be waiting for us.

5:50am rolls around and we're both still in the parking lot only I'm awake and freezing my ass off.

You see, this looks really bad but in reality I chose not to get a DWI and I also chose not to hurt anyone on the road last night.

But yeah, I'm the only person I know (well, besides becky I guess) who has a house but chooses to live in her car.

Alright gotta go close the Star.

cya

I was put here...

Maybe I want to be loved. But mostly I feel like I just want to simply be forgotten, I want a shrug for my presence, a quick admire of my face and it's that simple, that overlooked.

I could share the essence of what simple things glorify my faith. It's a faith that's gritty like the bottom of  a pan you can't scrub away but it's little, unnoticed.

I'm lightening but I'm dust and I like being hidden among presented performances.

My mom taught me to be a good person but I look at this and I see crying bullshit.

I hate this stone-written internet I hate coming on but I need this so that i don't have to be sober and get published in the legitimate, admirable way again. I'm scared to tread those waters again.

Shit.

My legs move inside my jeans and the music refrains but I keep smiling because my hair is long and my drinks are bought.

What would you do?

I keep waiting for "Whiskey Lullaby" to come on because that song will bring it out in me, I know if I sit down to that song I'll make sense of it right here.

Let me proceed...and fail under your lashes, while they blink among this entry.

(I'm probably driving.)

without sound...and she goes on...

But you can hear it, my soul humming underneath my soft, thin cotton shirt. I promise there's more, I promise I run off passion while I'm sitting at those red lights, the sunset reflecting off of my shiny black steering wheel and I wonder if the car next to me has it reflecting off of theirs.

I am electricuted by each second I am without, I am stimulated by each pang of lovely humor that I allow myself to feel through not really knowing what it is I am really without. The man I kept a secret smiled at me as I walked in the Star and I didn't bother to witness it. Leaving, I didn't bother to witness him witnessing that I wasn't witnessing it.

I still tremble when I see his hands, I still melt when I let his dark eyes devour our attraction to one another, but Jeff wants me to call him tonight and that means I could see him possibly later. And that means I could have the chance to wave away that harsh hope I have for men and simply sit with him and be myself. Because he is the one that likes that.

And I've been draping myself all over the house lounging, on my third beer, and I have to be at 3 different places at once by 9 and I'm just not sure where I will be, ultimately. I am savoring my phone call to Jeff though, he is a treat I probably don't deserve--meanwhile I have to run to the Star again to pick up my cell and The Secret will be there.

So I've got to move quickly. Gotta move and can't for one second see his eyes on me because I have to stay strong and be without. Be without, I love it.

There is a carpet to this Earth

...that I have rubbed my legs against

while curling up to the silence and the ground

of hope

The bravery is loud

and untimely, I tread upon seconds

the muscle of future has still to lift on...

Through the savored wood

of my soul, my crying and

the open wound where I could never, will never feel

...You are right here.

Life traveled a long division

and your water is undrinkable

Except when you fold your fingers into mine

and I feel the light

Not seeing your way but hearing its course

pounding before my breath

and you appear as though you never

left me,

ever.

I stand in a hopeful, salty breeze

and I generate as you taste it.

It could take a little more

than the rhythm of your humor

It is a fever, a home which is ours.

It could take your heart.

Mine's outside...

I am more than happy to announce that there is change this autumn.

There are big steps coming this year and next, I can feel it, and I need to be awake for this part of my life. So I pulled the plug on the alcohol.

Last night the whole crew was full force at Hard Times and once I heard wind that the tequila shots were being ordered for us I snuck away and asked Matt for my tab. He looked shocked.

"You've only had one. You just got here." he yelled over the crowded bar to me.

I shut my eyes and nodded.

He set the white slip of paper down in front of me and disappeared in a sea of thirsty customers.

I tipped him more than I owed and left without saying goodbye to anyone.

25 minutes later I parked my truck and walked the short walk underneath the yellow trees to apartment G and let myself in.

There, underneath a big navy comforter laid Jeff. I put on his big t-shirt he laid out for me and I smiled to myself as he let me underneath the covers and held me with his big arms.

We discussed the beard he was growing that I am not going to allow to continue and then we arm wrestled and then we cuddled in the dark and I told him I wanted to move to Tennessee one day. He softly scratched my head and I fell asleep.

...Forgetting all about the tequila.

Good :)

Ha. I was greeted by the boundless number of dogs and cats lounging in our front yard and walked the brick path that was once mine to the house, where my mom stepped out barefoot in shorts and a t-shirt waving and running to give me a hug.

We hung out and watched TV and I could tell Mom was trying too hard to make me feel comfortable there, telling me to sit in the living room, watch tv and not get up, she insisted on making me something to eat, all the while I just wanted to wander around outside and smell the fresh country air I am constantly without in northern Virginia.

It's different, going home, but that's only because of the way that I left when I was 15.

On the way home from the grocery store I mentioned to Mom (who has not yet met Jeff, only knows that he drove with me home from California) that Jeff and I might move to Savannah next summer. She blurted out "He's not the one. If he were he would have thought about the fact that you have family here and wouldn't press you to move away from me again."

I got pissed and told her I was leaving as soon as we got back to the house.

"How could you say something like that, you haven't even met him yet." I stared out the window, hot-headed.

"Well it's true, Kara, you need to take that into account."

"No, you need to take into account that I met him when I was 16 and I was living with my aunt and all he knows about you is that I left home at 15 and you weren't there to help me when everything went down with your third husband."

She started to cry but I just couldn't feel like shit. It had been over 6 years now since all of that happened with Bernard and she's finally having to start to face the music on opting to let her child leave after her husband did the unthinkable.

We got back to the house and she handed me my Subway sandwich and said "Are you still leaving? Leave then."

I told her I wasn't and she started crying saying Beth and I were her only family after 3 failed marraiges and if I leave the state again she more than likely wouldn't be able to be the grandmother she's always dreamed of being.

I stared at random objects all around the house thinking she was kind of nuts because I'm only 21 and certainly not starting a family any time soon but decided to not outwardly accuse of overreacting.

We quitely went into the family room and watched Mermaids on HBO and then I paid a silent visit to my old room like I do every time I come down to that farm, which is only a few years. After I left in 1998, Mom put curtains up to cover all of the large windows and it's been like that ever since. The air was thick in there and I looked down at the black marble tile that I had picked out, so excited to live in a farmhouse and decorate my room any way I wanted, 2 weeks later having to leave with nothing but a blue Adidas duffle bag and a comforter, not knowing where the hell I would end up, a freshman in high school. Luckily, I don't need sympathy, just a round of a hand, because I'm obviously a strapping young lady at this point in my life.

So anyway...Mom and are fine now, she called me as I was driving home and apologized for saying what she said about Jeff.

I'm expected at a bar right now, I've got to leave, but I needed to come home and unload some of my stuff that I stored at the house before I left for San Diego.

Wow, what a life. ...shit.

I was dancin' round . . .

No light to go by,

No eyes to look into

though they devoured the skin on my waist

though they dug an empty mound of dirt

aching for a glance of my attention

Why didn't you reveal yourself

why didn't you push the hair from my eyes

all alone

and my drinks were bought by you

and I didn't know your name

Hell, I didn't know mine

I couldn't wait to get in my truck.

And go to the next bar. Alone.

And for free.

...wanting to slam my phone into the ground

to get it to stop ringing, stop sounding off...

let me go, I have to be alone.

Why is my life something I always see happening

but I never step in and live it.

I drove satin wet roads

all the way home

like it was a black strip of silk

My heart quiet like a stone

I'm here, now.

Grabbed a cold beer from the fridge.

And I'll try to find an excuse to go to sleep, hm.

I'll try

to find

an excuse.

Holy cow I'm tired......

Hm...I do not foresee sleep until 4ish...Sunday. Aye....((cheers)) heh 

Wow!! I'm off today, this was unexpected.

So I start to blink away a very nice, dreamless sleep around 10 this morning and my cheek is in heaven laying against my soft, suede pillows.  I am under the same blanket I've had since I was in kindergarden that my great grandmother made for me, plus the white down comforter on top. The shades are shut, the remote to the TV is within reach, and the cell phone is most definitely turned off.

I smile a wide, wide, groggy smile and thank God that I am off today and hardly anyone knows about it. I plan to not leave my house until around 8pm tonight. I plan to divide my time being comletely free of everything in this world into dancing around the house blasting 80's music while pretending to clean the entire house and curling up inside my blankets and finding Robert DeNiro movies on HBO and watching TV and every now and then looking out my bedroom window at the orange and yellow leaves and the lawn that Jason (basement roommate i've had since 2000) mowed that is carved out like rainbows because he likes to make fun of me since I still color in coloring books so he likes to treat me like I'm 4 b/c he's a marine hard-ass, but he's still my bro.

So wait, this is how I got my day off!!! (I'm excited, I work 60 hours a week, this is a big deal)  :)

...Last night the gang and I were all working, trudging around the restaraunt, going from TV to TV repeatedly checking the scores of all the games just because that was the only thing to do. None of us had any tables, it was ignorant.

Then I got the offer from one of the new girls...

"Kara, Kara, Cedric said to come over to the host stand!"

I was gallavanting with our drunk regulars, Jerbo was attempting to braid my ridiculously long hair and Roger was inquiring about the 57 pens I had in my apron (I'm paranoid, leave me alone).

Off I went to my manager, my not so secret admirer, and my bar buddy of over a year, "Cecric."

"Sup?" I shoved shoved my hands in my apron and tip-toed over him with a big smile, just bein goofy.

"You...are...so..." and he starts shaking his head.

"Uh...what the f#ck do you want?" I raised my eyebrows and smiled at him and the hostesses started giggling, that's really all they knew how to do anyway.

"What time you come in tomorrow?"

"3. And I'm not comin in any earlier!" Lone Star has a habit of constantly wanting me to stroll the floor on their clock, ever single calender day. Which I don't mind, I love that damn place, been there almost 3 years, but I have 85 jobs and don't need the money. I come in for fun, pretty much, 30 hours a week.

"Do you want to come in at all?"

"Mmmmnope." I rubbed his bald, shiny head and tapped his nose with my finger. heh, I have to mess with my Ced.

"Boo Boo let's get married."
"Am I off tomorrow?"

"Yes, Repunzel."

"Awesome!"

Where...

There is this space...

My hips are free, my attention is perilous

Give me what I want, make me real upon

your hesitance

A reaction I can taste

A future I can relay, and then promise

I still have no faith, because love

is the joker, it is the touch

that skidded past me each time

I am so happy, so fine with just the show.

I am not in my room so this entry will not be really mine to give.

I am on my own, though.

I am looking in at a million right answers and right decision but I cannot take them through the glass and distribute them to their rightful owners.

I have learned just now that I have to watch them fly around in a tiny, unreachable enclosed space, like those cash contests in a phone booth at the malls.

Yeah. And so I'm on my own, meaning I have to let other people be on their own.

So I guess ultimately it's not for me to decide, but I'd really rather not watch a blind person leading himself blind.

There is dust on my stereo...

Done roll-playing,

I sit on my deck, overlook the night-ridden trees in my backyard. My hair is sitting behind me, to my hips, stuck against the weight of my back.

I glare at the pink lawnchair beside me, that I dragged with me from California, once folded in the back of my truck, content now, at home and safe, a place that is home for me  ...now.

What am I doing here? I've always breathed air that was never mine, making homes that were never foreseen but somehow I always made sense of.  Virginia does that to me, but again my childhood flourishes from here...Still the air is strange and I need a reason to breathe it.

The words are coming, they are rumbling behind these, and I feel myself about to let them come out.

So it's time to say goodnight,

I felt love tonight.

I am ecstatic to announce that I have scratched my cornea, de facto.

I am also in exaltation to proclaim that upon being diagnosed with such a nasty, irritating condition, I was also thrown into a very brief but biting health consultation with whoever it is that conducts such an interview before the real doctor comes in to look at you and your newfound malfunction.

I was sitting across from her, she was a short young girl, maybe a couple of years older than me, scratching her eyebrow with her pencil eraser and blinking at the clipboard. It was apparent that she didn't want to be at work today, and I was just another annoying body in the urgent care center that needed to be dealt with.

"Are you allergic to any medications that you are aware of, Kara?" (pronouncing it wrong, ugh)

"Not that I know of, no." I started examining all of the throat posters and miscellaneous health brochures that were plastered to the dreary, bone-colored walls of the treatment room.

The lady sniffled and exhaled rather loudly, earnest to continue so that she could leave probably.

"Do you drink?"

I blinked at the question.

"Alcohol?"

She looked at me like I had just gone from 21 to 13.

"...Yes."

"...Yes." I mocked back.

"How often do you drink?"

"On a daily basis."

"How much do you drink on a daily basis?"

I stopped time for as minute and let a trance of daily recaps show their colors; I thought of Becky, Chris, Michele, Mike, Ben, Andrew, Jeb, Ann, Dennis, Steve, Junior, Nathan and me all at Hard Times and then Michele's drinking the night away until the dew and cold air of 6am stung our eyes and we were ready to crash. I tried to calculate, quickly, the drinks I would have at lone star - two or three beers; then Hard Times following after, once everyone was completely done with work - humm, a couple long islands usually, a couple of rum and cokes, a couple of beers, at least five shots of tequila for me, beck and mich from all the guys, and maybe a random shot that mike treats us to on occasion; lastly, there's michele's and that's usually one last cold beer and a few shots of whatever liquor is hibernating in her cabinet, depending on the day.

So thats....roughly 17 or 18 drinks.

"About 2 or 3 beers usually, every night."

"Do you smoke?"

"Cigarettes? Yes."

"How much a day."

"Usually a pack."

My self-worth was fizzling at this point.

She finally popped her head up away from that clipboard and let her eyes show some excitement.

"Do you do any drugs at all?" I bet that's her favorite.

"Nope." I was happy to show some honesty on that one.

"Any medical conditions in your family history?"

I thought of my Dad.

"Cancer."

"Which side?"

"Both."

"Anything else?"

I thought of my Dad.

"Alcoholism."

"Which side?"

"Both."

Yeah so it was already around 1pm at this point in the day when I decided the rest of my Thursday would probably be pretty shitty, seeing as this totally complete stranger just ruined my day by asking me to basically tell the truth about myself.

One turquoise perscription slip and a trip to Wal-Mart later I was home and eating a salad, channel-surfing on my bed, with an annoying eye bandage that my roommate actually said made me look cute.

...???

What are the plans for tonight?

Well, seeing as how I don't want to surround my eye with smoke, I guess I'm not going out.

This is perfectly fine, because I do take great pleasure in my own company, so long as I don't create the opportunity to be a total dumbass. (There's Bacardi downstairs in the kitchen.)

Maybe I need to find a different hobby, due to the wake-up call I received today in the grim doctor's office.

I woke up feeling alone, not just alone but a soft humiliation fluttered throughout my insides and that's when the slight pain of it all soaked my thoughts, my heart.

The minutes will pass, I will put myself in the shower, I will find what the outfit of the day will be, and eventually I will hop in my truck and begin the rollercoaster of my days, which are indefinitely hard to keep up with. But all the while I'll feel a spring of silence pass through my energy and I'm pretty confident to announce that I will be reminding myself very frequently that I am alone.

I fear nothing about this outstanding fact, I just dread the loss of physical attention, but truthfully after what I was informed of last night my emotions have been foolish and I heard a hundred doors slam in my heart last night, even in my sleep.

As difficult as I am with every one of them as far as getting to me, the ones that made it have opened my eyes a little more.

How can some men be so heartless?

After you left...

I threw the pain too far for me to try and retain later, to figure it out, maybe even solve it.

You're out. You're gone and I have to deal with the reason of me now.

No one has ever stepped in, as strong as I'll yell that I am, everyone ignores my hidden shivering mistakes and instead glides the suede of my presence, enjoys the humor and pridefully stands by the face that my eyes hide behind.

I don't want to smile.

When I wake up from this very long dream, I will know, I will know that you are not here.

And so why did I leave San Diego?

You took me home, and I did a home run on you, the alcohol followed me all the way to Virginia and now you're 15 miles away but I can't express myself to you.

Like silk. you slipped off and when I favor it, I'll feel the thunder of your absence.

So it's just me. I've never wanted to turn away more,

I've never wanted you to step in more and take me away from what I have built.

Some silhouette.

If you can't help me then something else has to.

I was in D.C. tonight, on the guest list at 1223. Instead I went to the Wizards basketball game with my cousin. I loved it!!!

I wrote a list of goals tonight, for each day of the week.

So I should go to bed now.

The piano of my favorite song keeps touching my chords, and I can't cope with turning off the lights in my bedroom, receiving that first chill of getting under the covers before I warm them with my skin, but I am anxious for tomorrow, simply because it's just me now, and I haven't had that, used that, dreamed of that

in a while...

My smile might be different now, but it's the same to me :)

I noticed something at my grandmother's dining room table, tonight. This year it worked out so that I was the only grown grandchild, aside from 2-year-old Caleb.

Our forks hit our plates and the crystal wine glasses were lifted...Among that, I heard adults talking: my mother, lines under her eyes, more so than I can remember from childhood and her blue eyes were softer, my aunt, my Nana and Larry, her second husband, a wise, appropriately cynical man who 27 years ago was a spy for the Pentagon. He hardly ate his dinner, his appetite is leaving him, but we've always seemed to share a quiet connection together through all the talkative hooplah of Thanksgiving catching-up.

Anyway, my mother noticed I was pretty quiet through dinner, my eyes were skimming the room and the football game that we left on.

"You look like you're about to fall asleep, honey. Are we not rowdy enough for you?" She said it half-joking.

She was right, though. I had poured a rum and coke for myself not ten minutes after I had arrived in the country and thought that would help me get through the chit-chatting process of catching up with family and telling them how work was and what I've been doing--and why Jeff didn't come with me...huh.

So Mom and aunt Cheryl dived into memories and "remember when's" and the stories were interesting but I caught an odd speculation that they were dipping into 35 years ago for good stories while I could have gone back 12 hours ago and told them that...

Michele, the 43-year-old Italian waitress, my best friend, Andrew's mom, she and I are undeniably the best two waitresses to ever graze the Star and the owner in Wichita knows it, hehe

...She closed the restaurant last night and I was iu charge of front of house and we closed at 10pm. After every other soul left, we sat at the long party table and watched Nick at Nite, helping ourselves to the draft beers, talking about our childhoods, reaching for each other's hands every now and again, her mother was a hooker in southern california, and when I'd watch her talk about it she'd touch her hair a lot and grasp her beer like it was just a conversation but it wasn't.

Can...

They're all sleepin in my basement rght now, I left at the end of Signs, it wasn't as scary as I predicted it to be.

I've got to hit my bed, my cousin is getting married tomorrow. I've got all these heads in my basement, Amanda's going to be here by 12, and we have many boys to meet at this reception ;)

Saturday's lookin good.

YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!!

In the hotel this morning, my aunt handed me my birthday present early (dec 16) and in a green bag there was the ultimate gift for my personal, elongated eternal happiness.

A CD, The BeeGees, ........."stayin alive"

Now that, my beautiful public, is the ultimate, best best entire BEST SONG ON THIS BEAUTIFEROUS PLANET.

There will be------some serious jammin in my truck on the way to work tonight------some serious jammin, people will stare and I will be happy to serenade them at every...red....light.

(details on wedding later, not done dancing)

So the wedding was amazing and Jessica's dress was spellbounding, ivory satin with swimming rhinestones and her face was pure, happy, but I didn't cry until she looked at me while her and Robby had their first dance at the reception. Then it hit me, the was the first of the cousins to start the new generation of marraiges, as the ones before ours had all failed, but everyone knows this will last, and that made all of us that much more positive for what is to come for--well, all of us :)

But tonight, Becky, my 39-year-old best friend, who still gets carded, the most beautiful Hispanic woman I have ever known, my girl...We snuck away from the guy friends crowd tonight and said we were going home. We went to a bar we never visited and wove our past stories together, clinking glasses to our unobliged loneliness, all the while dismissing any male that approached us, all the while knowing tonight was our secret, but really wondering what was in store for the two of us.

She is still delicate at her age, going through her first divorce, while I'm almost 22, certainly not my age but living that way and we still were able to look at each other, proud of our independence, hopeful for a promise, any promise, that untouched seconds of tomorrow might bring, but not holding our breath for, ha.

I've learned a lot about men, about love and I do cherish that connection that every woman can share with another. ...We are all strong, through a million mistakes, through one or two mistakes, it's virtual that we will always climb up, no matter the unexpected circumstance.

I'm excited about that. :)

"I hate when people tell me I'm young, that I still have a lot to do in my life; sometimes, to me, that means I just have a lot more assholes to meet before I find the one that finds the worth in putting every effort inside himself toward."

"Kara I'm almost 40 and I haven't found it. I thought I did several times, but if all I have are my kids, then I'm good. I don't really need anything else."

So do we really need them?

It is not bad, ever, I think, to fall in love. I don't think love should ever run out.

But here, my quiet face beneath my hair, and my ears surrendering to this music, I see that I don't necessarily need it. I have me.

That's actually great.

Wow.

You told me you hated it when I drank. That you didn't want to see me

that way

I kicked ass in darts tonight, closed out the bullseyes before anything else.

I've been avoiding writing.

I want to tell you, tell the world, but you are the son of my best friend, and everyone knows when they see your dark eyes touch mine...

This love is gray, but my time is colorful.

I'm sleeping alone :). I love that.

How is everyone?

I'm doing fine, just haven't updated in a bit but I wanted to drop in and say HIIIIIIII!!!!

:) Have a good one ya'll

The Secret

I saw his red shirt

in the night

get smaller as he

walked further down the street with his own thoughts

The Friend

I saw him reach

to what no one suspected was there

and he looks at us differently

The Man

I saw him resign to

what is here, plain and tasteless

The fruit of change right under his feet

except here the light doesn't show it

The Secret

I see him elsewhere, older and important

on different land, under the scent of a different woman

Those few times we climbed one another's limbs

restless and quiet, kissing and savoring only in darkness

...a misty vision that his dark eyes can simply blink away

as he travels further down his road.

The Friend

I see an adventure

a serious distnace in the fiery blue of his eyes that were once

captured only by me, now faded through time and the throws of others

I see a huge admirance, one that will be still and won't budge

surpassing but respecting all the females that present their hearts to him

I am wishung him luck as he is wishing me protection

The Man

I see dreamy predictions

of me taking care of all that he places in my hands

I see me running wild in his life

I see him chewing on his own success along with

my homemade dinners...

Somehow the bubbles

they always float to the top

Sometimes I have a moment

with you...

The Secret

We went with all of them after work, to Hard Times, Michele ordered 3 shots of Cuervo and I got you and I two 151's.

Your eyes are so dark, like the wet bark of a tree, one among millions in a forest human eyes may never resist noticing; they catch the words in my bright ones, before I can shove them away and hide from you, and we smile when I'm caught and I let the steel walls drop to the floor when your warm, Italian-Irish hands keep mine safe in yours.

The Man

...was calling and I let ring as I was having a velvet staredown with a secret that did everything I loved, I left that man alone, yet neither of us have run dry of the other...

I fell asleep with the moon shining towards me, and I fell asleep to your smile, constant and mine.

I love this secret.

Nothing here...

Someone wrote a song,once...

There just couldn't be fireworks

shudders

imense, velvet wants

I could walk anywhere,

receive, and never give...

But there are cool, summer breezes of dusk

they twirl me, there is no need in trying to smile

You and I speak

and the world stands still, no one sees and we can't wait, secretively, until they do.

My secret, the warmest arms around my back, the truest smile when we're both aroumd, when we're together it's over, it's just over,

You are the satin, the quick thought, in my spirit

And I'm not even trying, not even telling

of what pair of deep, alive brown eyes lay upon

my every movement, my smile that is only for you...

This garden

seems planted by my own hands

but the scent is a whisper

and when I turn it is only your lips I see moving

Tell me he's not real...

Ha...;)

Today...

What time is it, okay it's not even 11 yet. So Jeff's taking me out to lunch, then I'm gonna try to squeeze in some more xmas shopping, then I'm going to Amanda's before she goes to work to get my present, then I'm picking up Andrew and we'll do whatever we feel like together til 7:30 then we're going to Reston Town Center and eating at this place I can't pronounce, nor spell for that matter, that everyone set up for me the other night.

There's a little over 30 of us and we're all eatin for free after that it's Hard Times cuz I gotta see my Michele on my birthday, she's like a mama to me (she just doesn't know I'm dating her son, that's all).

Wow, I have to squeeze my own mother in there somehow. She does run late, inevitably, and so if I tell her to meet me at that place where we're all meeting up at 7:30 I should tell her 6:45, no 6:30 because I know that woman and she picks the oddest parking spots for some reason.

Kay...I'm impo-tant :) today, haha, gtg

BYE!!

The orange morning against the icry crisp blue sky

will wake me soon.My head is heavy, my skin is warm, and I cannot wait to lay and not have to hold anything

Mmm sleep.

You...

Just wanna dance and have a good time.....

You want to take me out to dinner, what is dinner, I'm over the interview, just tell me what you want.

There lays a circumstance when my key hit the ignition and I'm heading home...u followed me to the truck and asked my name, I pulled away so hard I heard my tires, I'm not interested in humoring anyone, just goin home, but I did wonder about my options, still I was happy to stick the key in the lock to my house tonight and skip upstairs to my bedroom and watch TV with myself....

My girls were waiting for me at a bar though....ha, nite.

I ache for them.

I was curled up on the deep velvet burgundy recliner at my grandmother's house watching "Newlyweds" when my blonde sister came crashing through the door just before midnight from Reagan Nat'l Airport from our apartment in San Diego, I haven't seen her since I drove away in August and she handed me a card that held a picture of my nephews, who I nannied for back in Cali.

No its 2am, and the same ring from the same clock I remember since I was 7 still works, still glows in the living room when the light shines on it and that hourly bell is still carrying the same tune and when I look at that Christmas picture of Brandon and James on the beach, with thos mischevious smiles, i softly break apart and the air hums in my heart.

Through all the emotional hell of being a nanny and scraping for patience and freedom, I saw your faces tonight, boys, and I miss you with a love that bounces off of explanation, a love that is rooted so deeply in my being, I miss you boys and I will be back there again, in California, but right now I need to be here in Virginia for myself, but your faces keep breaking my glowing heart,

and now a breath for Christmas...

I GOT A FISHING POLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It wasn't pink but I figured that was probably pushing it when I originally requested such an awesome device as this.

"Kara, I can't see you killing a fish!" exclaimed my mother while all of us cousins were ripping through our presents.

"Well I'm not gonna fish! I just wanted the pole! It's hot!" And everyone started laughing.

I will take it with me wherever I go, maybe I can even maneuver it so that it sticks out of my truck when I drive somehow I dunno but I will keep you updated daily on my fishing pole and our many escapades to come!!

I ran over my mailbox.

My truck split the damn thing in half.

Women really can't drive...

But honest, though, I was only changing the radio station!

It was a Thursday morning lunch shift at the Star, I had thrown my hair into a careless ponytail that morning and rushed into the restaurant at 11:27, scheduled at 11:30.

The tables, they came and went and eventually I noticed table 10, Michele's section, a young man seated on the edge of the booth, steadily noticing me whenever I would pass by. I thought nothing of it.

A while passed and I couldn't stop noticing his eyes on me whenever I would pass that table. I thought it was cute, he just liked looking at me, and I was focused on the shift itself, but his blue eyes were watching my every move and I actually let myself pay attention to it.

So I started to walk past intentionally, letting my eyes meet his, mostly out sarcasm, I'd never really see this guy again, it was cheap entertainment for me mentally at the time but he actually rose from that booth and approached me while I was at the computer, laughing with the kitchen manager and cracking a joke to him.

Then...

"Hi, I'm Josh. You probably get this a lot, but I couldn't stop watching you, you're beautiful and I would love to take you out to dinner some time..."

Instantly, my pride overtook my physical reaction and I looked straight in his eyes.

What do I have to lose...A waste of time shadowed my conscience as I headed towards my purse and pulled out my business card, penned my cell phone number on it and quickly set it on his table in front of him.

Crazy, I echoed to myself afterwards, what are you doing?

So he called, the next day. We've been on our second date and his eyes read me to the point where I'm absolutely not afraid to be me. He adores it. This is newer than any reigned purchase, I act myself and he loves it, he drinks in my hidden perceptions and I watch him allow me to see it.

Our third date is tomorrow night.

All these burdens I've hauled on my soft back, my strong bones, these burdens of disappointment, male after male after male--picking it up before they're putting it down--I haven't been on a second date in over a year, I'm substantially picky but this man, he called me out.

I enjoy him. Usually a male means nothing like this to me, but I wnat him to see me, for the first time in longer than I can remember, I want to allow myself to be seen.

We'll see, huh...

I was at the Star this morning....I set the American cheeseburger down in front of him a little after 11:30 this morning. As I was leaving the table, I glanced out the window by 53, where my party was, and saw a white Thunderbird, much like the first car I had ever had as my own when I was 19. I smiled a slow but hidden smile to myself as I trotted down the stairs and my manager, Angel, was making a smiley face at me when I passed her.

I loved that car, the smell and the digital dash. It's at our farm, now. Still and silent, and I swear it looks at me every time I visit Mom. The memories in that T-bird are to be recited to my grandchildren, the incredible times I had in there, alone, with my friends, the long drives to nowhere just to be by myself...

My heart broke a little, today. I'm older now. I've realized that. The only difference is I'm in the same place...Say that really fast three times.

OKAY!

So naturally, the party's at my house, we've got the sun room set up with the drums, guitars, mics and my karaoke machine. It's gonna be awesome, I've got over 25 people that I myself invited plus everyone my roommates bring. There's over 150 cans of beer, 6 bottles of alcohol and Mandy and I both have dates!!  (They're cute, too, mine is Josh, the guy I told you guys about a couple of entries ago!)

OKAYY!!

So I have to get a shower now, Mandy and I have to be at work from 4-10 and I'm doing her makeup plus we're picking up Michele as well. So hopefully the shift will zooooomm by!

OKAYYY!!!

This is an alcoholic's favorite day of the year, it's like our day of immunity as opposed to every other night of the year where we have to scramble for an excuse to go out/stay at home and get drunk.

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION: .....um....hmm....ah, I'll think about that one later.

It took 4 shots of Bacardi for me to empty that dishwasher.

If a poet were an alcoholic...

Could she make it sound beautiful,

could she revisit her past over and over again

while waiting for a gift, a stroke of change

to happen to her...

so that she could screw that up as well?

If I keep driving to my old houses,

park in the drive and glare at my old bedroom windows

before shifting in reverse and leaving

as if I never even thought to come back...

Could I find a page dancing in the road

that I might have missed from when I was there,

that could have stopped me from discovering

the bottle.

My legs are folded an crossed

leaning close against my chest.

My dark hair hanging in front of my eyes

I am trapped in myself.

On my bedroom floor, I am

no longer sailing toward

a magnificent future I am

stopped, time is still and scoffs at me

My heart dips in this familiar, heavy pain, that I have known for far too long.

...Can't hear me. Nothing can hear me.

Sadness

is not me

But it lives

in the bones of my branches

It seethes through my bark

it's sap is sticky, but my dreams.

they are quick, they

supersede my emptiness

my lack of you...

I severely wonder

why the wind

will always sing, always make

my leaves dance

to hope, without any name

Will I find you?

If forever is not an object

Is it somebody?

Forever...

this tree, barely standing...wants to know

I count its rings

and realize I am still in control.

Stillness doesn't talk

and I think it's because it has the answer

...I wouldn't move either...

just count the rings.

going to my cuz's

more later

there will be more :)

It was raining but he pulled up in a white convertible with the top down, pulled my hair back and took over the radio stations. The night was cool, no wind but chilly, icy on my face as we road through the night on Rt 7.

I told everyone I was home, not going anyway just staying in...I'm getting ready to leave. Meeting the girls.

Sleep doesn't dance with me anymore.

Lonely, burnt

It sailed through me like energy

like a quick, toasted relevance...

Maybe there are steps to this dance,

perhaps I am waiting in the wrong room,

though I am dressed, careful

and delicate

a smooth breeze of time

has me waiting for you, it

has me tapping on tomorrow's shoulder

and asking it to deliver

a ray, a light, a foreign warmth

What is love

is away, alone, not asking for me

What is happening

is caught, is planned, is wishing for me

And I turn in, sleepy, kissing the lips of silence

My emptiness is shut in a room deep inside me.

Breathing soft into my pillow, I pretend it's different.

I opened the timeless gates

to the colors and I let them spill all over my life

today.

It's easy to smile

because I'm happy

It's hard to tell the truth

because I'm strong, and I feel as though I don't need it riding on my back.

I can swim without breathing

I can walk without direction

I can write without formation

This is really nothing.

I ache for what could have been accomplished but never was

I would love to carve my dreams into time

and push myself into success,

twirl in reality,

fall asleep each night like a normal person...

There's just so much passion, so many elements waiting in line for

recognition that I haven't touched,

okay I'm going to work now :)

So my cousin Kristen and I are headed down to the country because apparently my grandfather is in ICU and has pneumonia (i cannot believe i just spelled that right). I am very much in denial, as is Kris, and we have been delivering pathetic spurts of humor back and forth to each other all day in order to keep from assessing this frightening situation.

The smartest man I know, or have ever known for that matter, is about to leave me. He's about to leave us.

I just lost my dad this summer, I'm not quite sure where I'm pulling all this strength from inside myself but I'm beginning to wonder when it will run out, god forbid.

I'm missing a lot of work this weekend but I need to do what I need to do. I'm at Kristen's right now, we're grabbing something to eat then I'm driving us down there, hopefully we'll beat traffic.

In other news, her 5,000-year-old lab is eating the cat food.

I would like to find a bar now.

I don't know how closely anyone has been following me this past year, I'm not really even sure if that's relevent, in itself.

I haven't been sober, actually lets say I haven't found enough of myself to go without finding the bottle since November 2003.

My grandfather is laying in a hospital bed, unable to breathe on his own, his lungs filling up with what is going to eventually cause him to leave me...this was a spy for the Pentagon in the 1970s, more importantly, this is my blue-eyed grandfather that had scotch with his steak every night and nicknamed me "smartass" since I was 12.

If he knew what I have been doing, what I've been getting into for the past year...No. This isn't the point.

I looked at my 20-year-old little cousin tonight, I watched her passed out on the couch in our grandparent's rec room in the basement, and I let my eyes soak in the 13 empty beer cans on the coffee table and the 5 empty shot glasses huddling beside those aluminum "Bud Light" cans and I dragged my drunken head towards the TV that had Roseanno on and I rushed up off of the couch.

It's 12:30am at this point. I go upstairs, dig into my pink backpack that I packed for the weekend in the guest bedroom and dredge up my yellow discman.

"I didn't bring running shoes with me." I whispered to myself, still drunk, but ready to flick that off.

I unlock the front door to my sleeping grandmother's house and head to my truck and retrieve my blue Adidas.

I slip them on in the middle of the driveway and blast my song.

I ran...I ran like hell, I ran faster than any implication of hell, I ran like anyone or everyone or no one was watching, and I let my body run from what I actually let capture me for over a whole entire year.

Have any of you gotten completely, overly, laughably intoxicated for the past 400 nights? In a row? I'm talking every night. The odds, are no.

I ran. I ran past every white mailbox, past every 3,000 sq. foot house, past the ones with the Christmas lights still up, I ran like no one was chasing me but I ran because I was running from myself.

My heart was yelling for me to stop, my breath was exploding but I let the song on repeat in my discman carry me away and I kept running.

This has to stop.

I'm smiling because I did it.

I'm here now, rested, ready to sleep, and I ran.

I ran from me.

I can't wait to do it again.

This is ending, and I can finally feel it.

I'm ready to face my life without alcohol.

I have to prove this, of course, but I've never wanted to run again so much.

I love my strength, it knows a lot more than I do...

I had an amazing dream, I just wish it were true, haha.

I woke up kinda pissed under all these warm white blankets in one of the guest bedrooms of my grandparents' house. I've loved that room since I was little, it's like a little country bedroom out of New Orleans or something. All yellows and whites and lace trimmed curtains and white wicker furniture.

Anyhow, the dream wasn't true, which sucked so I really wasn't trying to go back to sleep after that and find that I couldn't finish up the dream, out of spite.

We're leaving to go to the hospital now with my cousins and then I'm heading home to go to work and then later meet up with Josh.

Josh. I like Josh. I like Jeff better, but sometimes not everything on the menu is always in season. Sometimes it's all just really gay and I'm just not going to think about it anymore until maybe about 6-1/2 minutes from now.

Thank you.

Not one drink yesterday.

It wasn't hard to turn it down, either.

I really didn't want one. :)

I'm on a successful streak--(((pride gushing from my liver)))--however I have not stopped going out because, well, I'm 22 and staying home every night is like, no haha, you might as well send me to the gallows.

So I have accumulated a sort of outside knowledge if you will, and that is that my friends are dumb when they're drunk. Meaning, I was more than likely dumb also when I was drunk. This does not embarrass me in any way, it's very rare for someone to benefit long-term from being intoxicated (Hemingway excused), therefore I will overlook the dumbness and I do still have fun when I go out. Our regular bartenders are now accustomed to bringing me iced teas xnay the long islands that would previously accompany them....

AND I make it to work on time!!!! ---->sober :)

Haha, okay enough, now let's dip a little in my psycho-dramatic love life.

Oh lord, where do I begin. Let's do a short, pert summary: boys suck. Men are either taken, married or they are just hiding somewhere in the highest mountains in tiny little huts that helicopters don't even see when they fly over them.

This causes agitation on my part from time to time, however I will not lose faith on finding that one guy that wins the second date.

Oh yeah, did you guys hear anything about how because of the Tsunami catastrophe, that the weather will be changing for Virginia and we will now be getting "South Carolina weather" from now on?? Someone is toying with my emotions please set me straight!!!!

Thanks, have a good, good, fantastic day :)

When the rain becomes stale

and the window is a barrier between

what I hear

and what isn't...

the silence speaks

and the words are too quiet

for my heart to blaze a trail through

The solution is unbreathable

so I'm nervous in hope...

Lone Star sucks I wish I didn't have 2 jobs and I could stay at home and write and totally make bank.

And that's pretty much all there is to say, right now.

If I lived in a van down by the river I wouldn't have to pay rent and I could use my new fishing pole for food!!! I wish I had a picture, I'd show u guys, it's supercute :) :) :)

Okay, off to work, I am accepting nothing less than obscene tips....

I am out of my mind.

A small piece of information that I felt was worth sharing, however worthless it purely is inside this encouragable box of reality that we all live in.

I am starting to become aware of an issue in my life that has sprung a rather uninvited taste to it, and my first natural instinct is to abandon it, chuck it in an alleyway, mash it into a garbage disposal, roll it up and smoke it, whatever. At 22, I'm almost an expert at quickly discontinuing whatever I don't want involved in my everyday life, even now that I have stopped excessively drinking. Well, it appears to me that this time is not going to be so easy to get rid of this particular issue.

Luckily, since I am out of my mind, I can escape for phenomenally long periods of time to my dreamland, my vast principle land mass of a world that applies to only my mental power structure and no one else's; this is the better part of being crazy. The shitty part, or rather the politically correct part of being cranially disarranged is tha tI still feel as much if not more emotion than I would like to deal with no matter the shaky distraction I have postered up in front of me in order to not think about what's really going on....and that is...(Get ready)...Not a damn thing.

Let me step into sanity and explain very briefly for you what the hell I'm talking about...

In kindergarden, during a play break, I laid eyes on the most devilishly handsome 2nd-grader in Northern Virginia. Blonde, blue-eyes Jay. We snuck into a small bright orange Fisher Price playhouse and there we made history with a small, giggling kiss. I was 5 and he was 7. The next day I wrote a note that said, "I Luv You". He crumpled it up in front of me while yelling "That's not how you spell love!!"

And that was that. Ever since then my luck with keeping a good man has...(bites lower lip and lets eyes leave moniter to scour ceiling for the right words)...sucked.

Don't get me wrong, I find these miserable creatures all over the place, every day even. In fact, I ecstatic to announce that I have the 10-digit cell phone number of a man that I am convinced I am going to marry and have a billion kids with and a wrap-around porch donning our 5-bedroom farmhouse way out in the country one day...One day.

Ha. Right.

And Jay, if you're out there, I can spell love now, JACKASS, and I'm published. Thanks for cursing this romanceless, circus-induced aspect of my life, okay and I'm totally cracking up at the fact that I'm blaming a guy I haven't seen in 18 years on Jeff not calling me.

By the way, I'm out of my mind.

I have scratched my cornea again.

This means I have the day off, so do Kristen and Mandy.

Normally, such an injury as a scratched eye would mean to lay in bed all day and attempt to watch HBO with one eye while enduring the healing process.

Me? Um, I'm actually getting ready to take a shower so that I can get dressed so that Kris and I can grab lunch so that by the time we're done Mandy will be calling and that means we're goin out. All day. Possibly all night, too.

See, this is not good. The lady at the urgent care center said to go straight home and rest up.

I hate resting up. That means sit at home in your room all by yourself and think about how bored you are, then I would get up and rearrange my closet, do a whole bunch of laundry, reorganize my file cabinet, I'd be doing something totally unreasonable and I would drive myself nuts.

I remember last time I got an eye patch for scratching my cornea and we all went out that night and I got a lot of attention and free drinks because people felt sorry for me. I have decided, once again to use this to my advantage. so onward, to the shower....

Okay THANKS for everyone's advice!! I have my eyepatch on, it's actually just a white gauze but it definitely solved the problem of painful brightness in my right eye.

My little cousin and I are going to Rhinos in D.C. tonight. I wanted to dance, so did she, it just makes sense. If I could leave my eye at home to rest up I would, but that theory is looking a little grim, so I'm takin it with me.

I'm watching Gone in 60 Seconds right now (looove Nicholas Cage) and I'm wondering if they ever produced a soundtrack. Very fun movie, though.

We went to Outback Steakhouse tonight for dinner. The service was awful, but we tipped 20% anyway.

Okay, so as a waitress myself, I have a question for everyone...

If you go out to eat, you just want to sit down, relax, be waited on, eat a great meal and get great service...Say you get all of those things but a great meal. If you end up being unsatisfied with the food, does your server's tip suffer? My idea is that it's all about attitude. If their attitude is great throughout the whole meal, no matter what situation comes up, I'll tip'em big. If the attitude was so-so to crummy, I tip what's "normal" (20%). Is this wrong? Just because I know how hard they work, they could just be having a bad day, someone they love could have just passed away, so I just can't tip less than that. But if I leave from the meal not getting everything I wanted when I first stepped into the place, and the price didn't change regardless, should I really still tip 20%?

It worked, ha ha!!

Kris and I had NOOOO tab last night, thanks to all the sympathetic marines that came to Rhinos as well to unwind. I am excited to milk this eye patch thing for all that it's worth for the next week! We had a blast, I finally got to dance all night which is one of the funnest things in the world to me.

Tonight after work we're all going to Tino's for karaoke. Alas, time could not permit me to audition for American Idol (sike). That should be fun. I'm glad my little cousin Kris is hanging out with me all the time now, we have a blast together and we really get along with each other's friends. It's interesting how all of her friends are soo Banana Republic real estate gurus and mine are just a bunch of bartenders and managers who'll take shots all night long but have probably never touched a martini in their lives...I'm excited for having Sunday off, I'll get to sleep in and not leave my bed til about  3 in the afternoon, I love those days.

Kay well I'm going to try to clean my room a little before work. It very much resembles a teenage girl's clothing store, only an F-5 crashed through it and there's a sea of clothing all over my carpet (I think I have a carpet???).

Have a good weekend!!!!

Barely there,

I can recognize the wind pushing on the glass

The music can't touch me

I had a dream sewn to me,

I had an ability to overlook why

you never reached out.

This fact is harsh.

I'm realizing, in a painful, clean way

that I'm going to have to find a direction without you.

It's the lanes that I hate staying inside

It's the arms I won't be inside

That kill me. 

I let him go.

It took six years, it took a whole lot.

More than I might know,

DAMN IT.

I hate swallowing reality sometimes. I hate facing something new all by myself, it's like having 5 bucks when you own 20.

What I keep thinking about is I never got to say goodbye to his dog. But I had to let it all go (this is the guy Jeff that drove me back here)

I let him go tonight.

"i know there's some stuff of mine in your room, just throw it out because I won't be seeing you again."

It felt great but it hurt.

We don't deserve each other, I'm going to not want to eat at all tomorrow.

I would like to announce that Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets heal a broken heart.

However, it is now time to focus on cardio and fitness. May is just around the corner and my thoughts on boys are something along the lines of--zilch--and I want to lose 10 pounds, rule the world, ban commercials, and find a razor that WORKS because Venus in it's own little world these days...

Maybe I need another Hot Pocket.

I've told a lot of people I love them.

I've spent priceless moments purely by myself

and I've loved it more...

A 1.000 words with meaning

never held a candle to what I would breathe

what I would think and come to understand

when I would be by myself

All the books I've read

All the looks I've gotten

All the lessons that have slapped my life in the face

I keep drying off in peace

from the mess that each mistake I make

drenches me with

I'm just not scared.

I'm just not satisfied.

But I'll always know what to say.

only I'll never know what

to do...

There were a couple of guys from Germany at our bar tonight. They had been drinking way before me, and we got into it somehow, when I told them I wasn't going to their hotel room with them. He told me I was dumb and I just looked at him and smiled a very true smile.

There's a waitress in Virginia, who got a 1370 on her SATs, who's in your local bookstore.

Not trying to chum my ego up or anything, but I don't need anyone's sarcasm to hold hands with what I'm doing now.

I'd die if I had a "real" job. That's just not me. I don't understand men. You look, you decipher whether or not to conquer, I'm far before impressed.

I'm venting.

I just choose to put no energy towards idiots, all the while they're putting it towards me.

When will the game end, when will that gentle gentleman just plop himself right in front of me, and all of my questions just blur away...

I think I still have a lot of hurt to come, that's not the issue--I just want the truth. I just want the truth.

I'm looking at about 4-1/2 loads of laundry on my bedroom floor right now. I had to like press some of the heaps of clothing down just so I could see my TV. The only thing is, I'm not quite sure what is clean and what is dirty. I find this challenging and without the energy to accomplish such a task.

I popped a movie in on my break, thinking it was BatMan, and it ended up being our 1988 family vacation tape instead. I was like, 6 or so. We were in Kitty Hawk I was tall and skinny and always looking away in some other world, never paying attention. Haha, I was a dork.

Anyways, its freezing outside but the sun's totally out. I'm out of windshield wiper fluid and don't know how to put it in anyway, so my window's all smeared with some kind of wintery film, if you will. Yeah. That sucks.

Oh and by the way, I'll throw a little Lone Star gossip on here, the Food Business Soap Opera of all-you-can-eat drama)....Becky, our bartender, my tequila buddy, has decided to sleep with our corporate regional supervisor only for the fact that she hopes to convince him to let our uniform standards permit jeans, so that we don't have to wear jean skirts anymore. She asked me last night if I thought it was a very good idea. I told her she could have any man she wanted, but if she starts being with any man that wants her, I wouldn't be sharing lip gloss with her anymore. No dice.

Nonetheless, the decision was made by the Arizona Beauty :  BECKY'S GOIN CORPORATE!!!! Yikes, happy trails, hun.

Okay I'm done typing now gotta go.

After 3 years of great times, bad times, simple/absolute fun times at Lone Star, it happened.

Our GM, Samy, is transferring. Angel, who loves me more than life itself, our service manager, is bumping up to GM. And she won't do it without me taking her old position.

So I've been offered a spot in management. It's Lone Star, I'm not going to be there for the rest of my life, but I'm taking it. I want to. I'm excited to. I'm super-motivated to make that place even better than it is, and I can't wait to be given the opportunity to do so.

I'm putting in my two weeks to AAA, my second job, tomorrow. Tomorrow night when I get off at 6 I am going into the Star to meet with Samy and Angel and discuss what's going to come. I'm breathing so fast with happiness and I am so blessed to be offered this opportunity because I simply love that job. I love it there, I come to work there and don't even know I'm working, just having a whole lot of fun with my friends, and all the while I'm doing my job and then some, I'm pulling the best numbers, I'm winning every sales contest.

But I love it!

I can't wait to train people I can't wait to write the schedules, I can't wait to visit all of our guests and make them laugh, I can't wait to love what I do even more.

I am SO excited :)

ssssmile for me!!!

Love,

K

There is a language in music

a sigh of relief in music

Their are certain notes

that act out in beauty

and have understood my pain for many years...

I walked into the store and left my purse in the car today

I laughed

My heart rose up and played with the outside today, like a staggering fawn

I had my eye on it

The snowflakes of Virginia

settle in my dark hair

every time I walk outside

And I am brave, again

Again and again

for waking yet another morning

without you

My favorite regular was mugged when he left the Star to go home.

After I hugged him and didn't let go, me, my little cousin Kris, and Becky our bartender went to Georgetown in D.C. to Rhinos.

I don't remember a whole lot except dancing and ordering tequila and alabama slammers and when it was time to leave we only owed 30 dollars and when we got back in Kris' car the bouncer somehow scored the front seat.

"Kris?" I asked as some retarded way of making sure she was aware of what was going on.

I got a supercute wink and off we went, nominating that the night not end just yet.

Tonight's a blockbuster night though, Kris and I are watching movies and then going to work tomorrow morning.

It's amazing, fun we have, we're lucky to have this.

There are muppets.

Beautiful ones, tall, great bodies, sharp hair, encouragable eyes.

It's a game board I could unfold time and time again

I could claim the color I want to be and roll the dice a thousand times...

But I won't ever find you here.

I was raised to look at life the way you should look at it.

But I'm living life the way blind people would be ecstatic about living it.

I'm having a great time.

My heart is checked as absent each and every night.

I flung it somewhere,

like a pet, maybe it will come back and want to press play.

Outside this box, this little blank space where I can type words and then publish the damn entry...I just want a hot tea and good conversation with a beautiful pair of eyes (not blushing)

but I just keep getting georgous assholes.

How dare life put that on it's menu :) grrrrr

The trials and tribs of being 22.......ha.

I'd like to disappear. For a moment--I'd like to disappear.

It seems like it's far away, getting a grip, a real, wind-blown, leather freakin grip.

Maybe it doesn't make sense, but for me rhyme and reason have always danced accordingly.

I just want a break and it may take more than a miracle...I want to reach out so hard for help but my pride won't give anyone else the reigns. I'm typing this why???

I know which stool you sat on.

I saw you watching me play pool, walking around the whole place giving hugs and saying hi to my friends.

I'd heard there was a new manager, that he was tall and an asshole.

It was the way you moved, and regulated the whole place. But I knew it better than him, he's new and I knew every pattern of each different day of the week. I'm sure the other managers and the bartenders layed out for him all the 411 of all the regulars at Hard Times.

But I knew I had nothing dirty on my history sheet, I've always been the youngest of the group that's collected all the keys.

I mentioned quietly to Becky that I hated golf and wished basketball where on the TV next to us at the bar. I walked away to say goodbye to a few friends and came back and the Lakers were on.

I smiled when I knew he was looking. He likes me and that's fine.

There's a distant boy, one that I actually went to high school with, and he works as a security guard at a bar that we hardly go to but it's close in town and when we do go, he watches me every time  I pass groups of people to go to the bathroom or head to the lobby to talk on my phone.

I never knew his name and he never knew mine. I always see him around--here we go--the second he randomly comes into my mind, whether it be on my way to work or at Friday's or getting breakfast in the am with my cousin. He's just there, every time.

It might never happen.

All I know is I've had too much to drink and my best friend is asleep in my bed and she and i are always there for each other and really, Happy Valentine's Day,

that's all I need. My girls. (you guys too)  :)

Nite

I like, really like going to bed right now and laying next to Dan.

It's a deal. One I never shook on and fate is "ahem"ing.

This is it and we both know it.

My IQ is not even betting on this.

He happened.

I can just smile :)

Okay! Soooooo....:) :)

I met a boy. He's a 24-year-old cute boy ((((keeeute!!!!)))) from Missouri. He's a pilot and just got a townhouse for rent here since he's working out of D.C. now.

He's me. Like, but a boy, haha :)

YOU GUYYYYYS!!!! i like him.

He's that best friend, the-world's-so-much-fun-when-you're-around buddy, we laugh so much I don't even do sit-ups in the morning anymore :)

He thinks my Kara Moments are adorable when I'm in my la-la land and he has to tell me when the light turned green or when I forget I'm on my cell phone and just kinda stop talking heHA (yes, I do that.)

We were sitting down talking one time and he just totally stopped me and was like "You're eyes make me go duh-duh-duh" He cracks me up and we're so laid back together. Sitting on the couch watching TV with him is like laying out on the beach.

We can fly anywhere for free and he wants to take me to alllll these places and I love that it works. It just works. Our friends all like us together and of course I had to get the approval from the cuz, K-Dogg and she says I did good. Her foot just had surgery and last night at the restaurant he kept getting her crutches for her every time she got up to go to the bathroom :)

I think God and my dad made a very fine selection for me. :)

Now I can concoct more adventures because I have a partner in crime!!!

I caught the fevah. :) I just want to like go up to strangers and hug them!! He's a happy boy and he makes meeeee happy :)

ok peace gotta go to work cause I love my joooooob!!!

I asked him if he was afraid of heights...and he's a pilot.

Yeah, he's still likin me. That speaks volumes, ha ha.

So this management thing is pretty awesome! I like it a lot and the training program I'm starting to get into is super-informative and there isn't a hesitant bone in my body about starting this. Everyone's pumped and they can't wait for me, and I can't wait for it!!

Dan and I are still Dan and I.

Alright, gotta go to work smile and talk to people and have some damn fun!

Faded jeans

Her favorite blue adidas

A California-imprinted, $5 t-shirt

A pink flower in her hair

A clipboard in her hand

A pencil between her teeth

A playful sparkle in her eyes

A goofy dance in her hips

Everyone around her is a friend

in some way

Everyone is being worked on

by her

To laugh all night long...

at work...

while she counts the bar glasses, smallwares and makes sure the servers are all in prime attitude for the night. Just another day in my paradise :) Even my cuz Kris comes in to help me count the liquor! Only because after inventory's over we know that right across the parking lot is $1 Beer Nite!!!

I've never loved coming into work on my day off so much!!

In other news, before I leave to count knives and forks and to-go menus, haha, I would just like to say that I'm happily livin each day, and even though I might have a fantistic situation where I love each friend, my cousin constantly in my life, this great guy that treats me like I've never been treated, and a job I adore, this one happiness, the long kind that doesn't wear through during each day, I found that one within me.

It's alive, it's a safe happiness, and it gives me no boundaries.

It's also $1 Beer Nite :)

Why is it that when you're in a hurry, the dryer takes longer to dry your clothes?? Haha. Even when, like you only pull out the jeans from the washer and leave everything else in there still, and you trick yourself into thinking if you just throw the jeans in the dryer, they'll dry faster.

Nooooo.

Okay I'm gonna go check again.

Well it's bout 3:30 and I have nothing to do today except create menial (but fun) errands before work. I think I will go to Target then go tanning before I have to close down the Star from 6-10. Maybe I'll cash some checks, too. Yeeeeeeah. OK, I'm  not bored anymore, so see ya I gotsta hit the road!!!!

Dan gets back from St. Luis tonight, but I won't get to see him since I won't get of the Star til late, so I can't wait for tomorrow!!!

Kristen's in love with a car salesman who has a kid in Californiaaaa!!! This is NO GOOD. Ha, and he's terrified of me, b/c he know I can't stand him around my lil cousin. He asked Kris one time if he should send me flowers and her and Becky both go "NO, that's the worst thing you could do!! You don't know Kara, just stay away from her, that's your best bet right now."

HA HA!!! Oh, if he did that, I'd send him a bouquet five times nicer with a card that said..."To Rid That Rat Smell...." hehe, this is getting encouragable :)

OK, gotta go for real this time!

Everyone enjoy a nice relaxing Sunday!!!

Ha ha, so my Uncle Bob calls me from the beach in Ventura CA at 9am his time to tell me he's going to get arrested today. Naturally, I inquire within and he says it's because he didn't comb his hair this morning.

So I start laughing and ask him what his plans for the day are and he goes, "Well, Karebear, your brother and I, when he wakes up, I think he's still in his house asleep, we're gonna get good and drunk and have a lovely bbq here on the sand. We're both off today. You're more than welcome to come join us."

"Ha ha, sure. I'm off today too. I thought you didn't have a job?"

"Oh yeah, see I forget sometimes and think I just have a really cool boss."

Have you guys ever seen the movie Uncle Buck?

Yeah.

That funny old shit, ha ha. My poor brother doesn't know what kind of a day he's wakin up too!!!

I'm ready to move again. As much as I love the job, I'm ready to go, Savannah, mm, or Phoenix. It's time to get the hell outta dodge.

I want warm and still and calm and couture.

Yep. The next couple months.

Lez do it.

Happy Easter, guys!

I went to the 12:30pm service at my Mom's church and then we went out to Bertucci's (yummm) and now I'm home and about to leave to close the Star down. It sucks we don't close a couple of hours early because it's Easter, but oh well.

This church was massive and it had a Starbucks and widescreens and everything!! I thought I was in a holy ESPN Zone. I would like to go to church more often than just Easter, but the truth is they intimidate me almost. I feel like I can talk with God better when it's just me and him and I'm laying in bed in my own room and the world's outside of those walls and my head is clearer.

But I did enjoy and understand everything.

"It's a Wonderful World" played on  the radio as I drove home from Bertucci's and it was nice to listen to something different than rap or country. I thought of my grandparents, and pictured it being my wedding song then decided no probably not, and started getting excited that spring's gonna be visible soon and the weather's about to get super warm and THAT's cool :)!!!!

Dan's awesome, still, and he's staying in D.C. another six months and after that who knows, it will probably depend on us and both of our jobs (no biggie, right? Haha). We'll just keep it all nice and Hollywood-ized. That way we'll either crash or soar, and that's the only way I know how to live anyhow!!

 I'm debating on wearing that yellow butterfly barrette to work tonight but I'm playing manager this shift so I'm thinking to hold off on the playful stuff. I meant to go buy those bunny ears from 7-11 but I didn't have time, actually I was too lazy to park and walk from my truck to inside in the rain.

Yep.

And I'm super DUPER boring :)

Byeee!

Be safe, happy East!!!!

Read this.

And I know it's you,

even though obviously I don't know how to be honest with anyone other than me.

Still I think you're trying to justify something that just isn't so. 

I'm cool on my own. I don't need you.

I've made a lot of mistakes and  there is no rewind button. It was on the pure basis tha I thought someone really cared about me, plus I was frustrated that I was being taken for granted.

You never recognized it, us, you never did.

The fact that you're with someone else now is a huge slap in the face to me and

I'm going to be just fine.

Live with what you choose to do.

If we both let down our damn pride we might be able to settle it but that's light years away, maybe 3. Who knows where I'll be. And you're "with someone else". ...Has she cleaned your bathroom?

maybe I need you.

Are you ready for that?

Ha. Don't call me the fuck out of nowhere again, sting me AGAIN and THEN say you have to go to bed.

Don't make ME feel bad for something that went wrong because you were too scared to let HER go and thought it was convenient to string me along your merry way.

Um, happy Monday.

A man is a funny,  heaping opportunity...

I don't want it.

I'm over the eye contact game, I'm a tiny bit past the story telling,

the get-to-know-you strategy that each individual has striding under their belt.

As confusing as it is to each guy, I'm on that stool to numb what I was never able to control firsthand, point blank.

No matter how many times I flip my hair, let my eyes wander towards the TVs, I'm not asking for you to pay attention. I just want to eventually pay the tab and go to bed, keeping it peaceful and solo, I don't really need a guy...

All they do is hurt me

All I do is learn from it.

Thank God I'm strong,

thank God I take each male with a grain of salt. I can barely trust me, not trusting them has saved me a teardrop or so.

I'm pretty sure I'll wake up a little better tomorrow :).

I'm off today!!!!

My game's gettin hot off the grill and I'm about to serve up some frriiiiiied broken hearts!!

(Just kidding, that's supermean)

I can hear the birds outside

MY COMPUTER JUST TOLD ME IT'S 64 DEGREES!!

Wha??? Ok. Skirt time, let me get the hell up out of this house and go have fun!!!!

Kristen and Becky are getting ready in my bathroom and we're going dancing tonight. We always have fun when we go into D.C., especially. We all look out for each other really well, and that's helped us more than a few times.

Kris and I just slammed a few good balls in at First Break with the bartender there, we both whooped him :) Nice guy, though.

Now it's Us time, we always jam to Bon Jovi and Aerosmith when we head for the city while Kris reminds us every 4 minutes not to burn her car seats with our cigarettes, hee ha. :)

Anyway, pray that I don't fall down in these shoes I have on, I might need to get insurance for them, shit.

And I have this new rule now:

1. No Boys

Yes. Very nice.

CIAO!

So my 20-year-old cousin Kristen got a DUI last Sunday.

After many, many moments of silence both by myself and alongside her in the flesh scrounge for a high-price lawyer and face the possibility of going to jail and losing her successful job in real estate in which she just got promoted, we have indeed been woken up by none other than reality itself.

All those nights she, Becky and I drove home drunk every single night after relentlessly throwing our money away at the bars I think a DUI was definitely bound to happen to one of us; I'm deeply saddened that it had to be my little cousin. I feel that it should have been me. It actually would have been me, ironically enough, if I hadn't taken the wrong turn amidst following her home that night, leaving her alone on the road for a cop to see her go over the line. I remember stealing her keys at the bar and asking the bartender to cut her off. She snuck back her keys and fled to her car and I was just barely able to catch up to her while she was on the road going home, if I couldn't get her to pull over I at least wanted to follow her so that a cop wouldn't. I had been drinking too, though, and was driving too slow while she was driving to fast and I lost sight of her lights and took a wrong turn. I got a phone call minutes later,

"I'm being pulled over by a cop." The fear in her voice made me ache for her, and I sat in the parking lot and cried. I cried for all three of us being so incredibly stupid with our lives and it taking us to hit rock bottom in order to get our lives back in order.

I took her out to lunch a couple of days ago. We were eating salads outside by the water and it was beautiful weather.

"You know, I'm going to look at this as a blessing," Kris told me, twiriling her spoon in her iced tea. "Even though this whole ordeal is terrifying as hell, it's actually caused us to not want alcohol anymore, let alone get drunk. Do you know how much money we're going to save now? How much healthier we'll be?"

I smiled because I knew she was right. This was a light at the end of the tunnel for both of us.

Becky, unfortunately, was out drinking at that very moment like at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I learned later. She is now no longer a part of mine and Kris' life. I still work with her on a day to day basis, but Becky knows there will be no more phone calls from me outside of work now.

So the past few nights, Kristen and I have continued to hit up the same bars and visit with the same people, except there's one little difference, and that's what we're drinking. :)

...Diet Cokes.

It's a wonderful feeling to get in my truck after spending a fun-filled evening in a bar and be excited about driving home. I almost want to get pulled over, simply because I don't have a drop of alcohol in me and I'm doing everything right. There've been tempting times, and I'm sure they'll be much more, but I just think back on last Sunday and I have no taste for it anymore. It feels like such a relief, a deep breath, like I've risen from the dead and I'm not waking up exhausted and thirsty and drunk, I'm waking up wanting to go outside for a walk and fixing myself oatmeal in the morning. I'm not going to bed blacking out, I'm going to bed quietly and I have dreams now whereas I was too drunk before to have any.

Kris is right, this is a blessing. A hell of a lesson, but a blessing.

I don't know what to say.

Accept that my Diet Pepsi cap says "Please Play Again". ...That sucked.

It's a gorgeous 83 degrees outside in our nation's capitol, which I personally find quite thrilling. My new sunglasses are SUPER DUPER cool!!!!

What time is it??? I need to get the heck out of my house, I'm off today!!!

DUH KARA

Gottagobyeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish he'd let me explain myself, or at least explain what happened since we got back here, together...He almost lets me, but then doesn't. God does indeed know how much this one meant to me above all the rest.

It's gotta be a two-way street, though.

Somewhere in my birth certificate,

Maybe in the first few years

I came into this world,

God decided I never needed blankets, a cover,

and the muscles in my heart would keep me warm

...Strength does go unmatched towards any

kind of trouble...

But when the truth hits me

I can't process it, I can't

advertise it, write it down easily,

because it's a risk.

And I can't do risks.

Someone that isn't in front of me

still has the same color in their eyes

And the best thing for me to do is turn away.

Only I know the price of my love.

I love that I was blessed with strength

and I love that I still need a hand along the way,

so the answer is

me--because I can still do it,

barely

but happily,

and I'm super lucky I learned at a young age

that love

never showed up on any resume

of motivation and success

it just showed up

when it all went down....

My smiles don't lie.

  <--------------------- Asshole magnet...:)...Yep.

I may as well check into a nursing home NOW and save myself 60 years of meeting more assholes. Also, I wouldn't have to go to work tonight at 5!!

In other news that is not so bitter, I saw Amanda last night and she's still the same old Mandy. We hung out with Michele at the Star and updated her on everything new that's happened since she left a few weeks ago. Then I went to Jimmy's, a bar I've been going to since I was like 17 with Becky, Nate, Mike and Shanna, which a couple of older guys started buying shooters for her.

I nudged Shanna, the youngest one out of all of us, super pretty with pale red hair and blue eyes, because she started to get kind of quiet around those guys and I asked her if she wanted them talking to her. She mouthed "No." to me. That's all I needed :)

So when the two scruffy looking, twice-our-age drunks came back with a handful of shooters I put Shanna behind me and told them nobody over here wants them and it's probably a good idea to not talk to us anymore. He just kind of looked me up and down and gave me a smirk. Yeah, I didn't look very threatening in a skirt and flip-flops but Mike, Nate and Becky already knew what I was capable of when dealing with drunks at a bar, especially when they were bothering my friends.

...Plus when I drink Tuaca I think I'm 7 feet tall and bullet-proof.

"What?" He slurred at me.

"Yeah. That means bye-bye." I shot him a super-sweet smile and dagger in my eyes and even took the time to wave to him. THEN, just as I'm about to turn around and light up a cigarette, his friend, who actually was like 7 feet tall, starts to come up to me and points at me and yells in a rich, loud, drunken tone, "Now that's a f*ckin' asshole!!"

Everyone at the bar started cracking up when they realized this dude we'd all never seen before was pointing at me...

:)

Since I"ve been going there for so long and all the bartenders are still the same ones that used to just give me Root Beer when I was younger, I swung my head towards the bar and there was Justin, shaking his head and smiling.

"Causin' trouble again, aren'tcha?"

"Shanna needed my assistance." I handed him back my tab that he always manages to slice in half for me.

"Bullshit. You were bored, Karebear."

"Perhaps a mixture of both."

I turned back to my table and everyone chants "Now that's a f*cking asshole!!" and we all start cracking up, meanwhile, Zach and Dan, the bouncers, are holding back that huge guy because he like seriously wanted to fight me!!

Phew. I want my own TV show dammit.

;)

Woke up around noon. Mom made me coffee and I took two sips of it and then went for a banana. I rearranged, cleaned and organized her entire kitchen so that it made sense in the normal world. After that my head began to hurt and I became a little tired so I laid down for a few minutes. Then I shower and when I got out I saw that I was starting to get black eyes so I didn't bother trying to put on makeup. No point. I got dressed and she and I drove into old-town and ate dinner on the harbor and I had a salad and stared out the big windows at the river and the kids playing out on the dock.

We walked up and down the streets and looked in some of the little shops, some people would stare at my bruised and blackened face and some people just didn't notice. There were people playing violins on the street corners and balloon-shapers on some others and there were lots of tourists. Alexandria's a pretty cute town.

We went to the book store and Mom bought me a book and then we went to Blockbuster and rented the Notebook. I'm not much for sappy movies but I hear this one was awesome. Noah, the guy, looked a lot like someone I know, so it kind of altered my perception of the movie the whole way through and the way I kept relating to it. I loved the movie. But every time I looked at that guy's face my heart kept breaking my focus and I couldn't stop thinking about last night's phone conversation, though last night's phone conversation was hardly productive.

Anyway, it's the end of day one and here I am. Something feels weird, it's like something's tapping on all the windows in my spirit and telling me something's up; like there's all sorts of reasons for all these things that keep happening and I want to find them immediately, but I don't think God's going to fill me in on it all just yet and I'm just going to have to wait...Which is really all I have to do...Sooooo....

Back to the daydreaming board...:)

Woke up around noon again. My eyes are even blacker and I am beginning to resemble an NFL quarterback. In other news, I sat out on the deck and read my book. The place I have to go to for 21 days next week required me to change the address on my license so we went to the DMV.

"Did you know your license is suspended?"

"No but it makes perfect sense at this point."

So after that fulfilling escapade, Mom took me to lunch at a cafe downtown where they have the best damn Greek chicken salads known to man. We hung out at home for a little bit then decided to go for a walk along the Potomac River. It was gorgeous outside and my mom decided to stop and chat with every dog-walking stranger we passed, which was fine, except they kept looking at me like "shouldn't you be at a football game?"

Anyway.

We ate dinner at a place called the Fish Market and we both enjoyed a salmon salad on the upstairs patio. Below us old men in business suits were walking home and a bunch of Harley Davidson bikers were hanging out in front of a homemade ice-cream parlor.

I sound really gay, don't I?

Yeah okay so then we walked home and went shopping for me along the way so I could have comfortable t-shirts for rehab blah blah blah blah blah my life is flipping boring because I don't go out anymore nor have physical contact with any of my friends.

I'm becoming sarcastic. Sorry. Bring on the sober mood swings.

Mom goes to work tomorrow. Me and my truck are goin for an illegal spin because I need to drop off the keys to Lone Star and go tanning and show everyonen my Blue-42 eyes...:)

Some showers, when they are completely silent, you can't even hear the water against your back nor the beat in your heart, I can barely gain the strength to reach for the soap...

I ignore waking up without you every morning because I have to.

I see things in my days, sometimes that I know you'd get a kick out of and I know I can't show you so I ignore them, because I have to. The air that I breathe is cold under the sunlight; my arms are cold and my eyes aren't being looked into, not the way you would look at them, anyway. More than often, I smother this, I ignore this...

What if I didn't have to?

Frozen in time, unbreakable--unbreakable--waves of everything I want...and you melt it each time.

*

I organized underneath my mother's bathroom sink this morning. I made some oatmeal and stared at my car keys that were hanging out of my purse, just gleaming at me in the sunlight.

I'm leaving to go run errands in Herndon, and I'm not going to go hunt you down and tell you all of these things, this isn't Hollywood this is real life. And I have to ignore it...

I'm wondering if he's ignoring anything...

Mom woke up and went to work this morning and Bethany and I woke up around 12:30. We watched TV and read, then got as bored as bored could be.

So we strolled around town, went to Starbucks and sat out on the pier and overlooked the Potomac and Washington, D.C. When we ran out of coffee we got bored and walked back home. We watched Oprah, then crappy celebrity shows on VH1 and then I let her do something she's been  begging me to let her do since I was 14: straighten my hair.

It's down to my hips, I look like a mermaid with 2 black eyes, it's hot.

When mom got home we went to the grocery store and got a bunch of food and now we're back.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the life of  a 22-year-old girl with no job who has come back to live with her mother and older sister who's home from law school, in order to keep herself sober while her skull heals!!!!! Woo-hoo!

When my life starts back up after I've fully healed, I'll be much more exciting, remember how interesting my entries used to be??? Well it'll start back up one day, I'm sure, sans the alcohol part.

Beth and I are actually going to go out tomorrow with her ex, Chris. Mom's very worried that I'll be tempted to drink, but I won't let myself. (shudder) first run-in with temptation, how suspenseful..........

It hurt this morning, when I woke up.

It didn't hurt really at all yesterday, which I was noticing and appreciated.

But it hurt this morning. The sunlight through the rain hit my eyes and Bethany's TV was still on and I woke up to nothing, and it hurt.

Not my head...my heart.

Today I woke up and headed to my old place to get my computer (been using my mom's laptop) at my old place. It takes 35 minutes to get there. It took me an HOUR AND 15!! Wanna know why? I took the wrong exit (notorious Kara move) and ended up going over the Key Bridge into downtown D.C., through the lovely projects (I fit in very well though, with my black eyes, haha) and allllll they way into Maryland. Yuck.

Finally, I retrieved the computer and got back home. Bethany and I decided we wanted to go out tonight. I thought about it, thought about the price of temptation (oye) and my need for atmosphere overrided the risk. So, I made some old phone calls and scrounged up an itinerary. We met up with Becky, Shanna, Sean, Nolan, David, Patrick, etc. and Beth got a vanilla vodka and ginger. Right off the bat I was offered a drink and a shot--get this--it was almost uplifting to provide these gentlemen with a cute smile and say, "I don't drink, but thanks!" under my pound of concealer to hide my racoon eyes :) 

That little devil on my right shoulder kept shaking me a few times tonight to sneak a shot or take a sip of someone's drink, but I reigned victorious. I had a lot of fun, I did. I even danced. The funniest part was Bethany, my Paris Hilton-lookalike sister (noooo kidding), even got the D.J. to stop the music and shout into the microphone, "Will Paris Hilton puh-leeeeze report to the dance floor!!!" She was so embarrassed but I thought it was hilarious. The bright lights of last call showered upon us all and recess was over.

On the way home Bethany told me she was very proud of me and that I was very lucky that I'm at a young age in my life where I can afford to cut all ties, quit my job and stay with Mom so that I can save lots of money before I head out on my own again. She had a valid point. I'm glad I climbed tonight's mountain, to be honest I was slightly doubtful and scared on my way to that bar tonight.

But I did it!!!

Gotta go to bed now, me and Bethany are visiting the grandparents tomorrow.

I've been sizing up this river the past few days. I took a walk again today. This time with a pen and paper...

I can taste the chance

inbetween my lips

I can see the ambiance

when no one is watching me

Hanging on to you doesn't look so appealing

when life is still worth having

though the lights inside me

are barely flickering,

though the wind inside me

is quiet and unchanging,

I could be free

If I just let go,

If I walked down Lonely's dry mountain,

If I let the tide take me,

If I lay floating on Love's creamy sea

I could taste the change

inbetween my lips

I could feel the ambiance

while everyone turns to see...

You sliding from my fingers

My light leading you away

My wind sailing me outward,

into the sweetness of time

...letting it have me...

I woke up around 11 yesterday and it was gorgeous outside. So I decided to venture into downtown D.C. and do some exploring...But I didn't wanna drive. I mapquested how many miles it would be from our apartment to D.C. and it was 8 miles, roughly, if I took the bike path. This way looked more appealing to me since I would have to worry about parking or anything happening to my truck. So I walked. (My legs are killing me today!)

I visited the Museum of American History (didn't really like that one), Natural History (that was awesome!) and my favorite was the Art Gallery, I thought it was magnificent.

Here's that pencil thing...

At 5pm all of them closed so I walked about 12 or 13 blocks to Conneticut Ave where my mom works and popped on in her building and told her it would be a good idea if I got a lift home with her because my legs were about to fall off from walking so much.

"You're crazy! Why did you walk?"

"It was pretty outside."

"Nut."

"Well what else was she supposed to do, Mom?" Bethany's voice asked from around the corner in the office that would be hers for the summer. "She can't stay inside all day."

"I know, Kara you're so much like your father was, just impulsive. Next time tell me you're going to do something that insane so that if something happens to you I'll know where to find you."

It just doesn't matter if I'm 22 or 12 or 3, Moms are always going to be Moms. Freakin always.

So anyway, the gauntlets have begun between me and Bethany. I knew the politeness would wear off very soon, seeing as how we are two totally different creatures. Luckily, I'm a lot more laid back than she is, so when we're exchanging words that we think will piss the other one off even more, I'm not ready to throw a fist to her face, though the day I'm sure will come.

So later last night, I went by Lone Star and Michele and Brenda were there, housed, drinking beers and Jacks & Cokes, and they wouldn't stop telling me how much they missed me. Everyone else kept coming up when they weren't busy and put their arms around me and ask me when I was coming back.

It breaks my heart when I have to look at them and tell them I'm not. But I think deep down we all know it's best for my situation.

After visiting the Star, I went over to my friends Lisa and Tom's house and hung out with them. Then I got home, threw a gauntlet or two more with Bethany and finally went to bed. Not such a horrible day, I'm superexcited I got to go to all those museums!!!

Whoa.

Day 10.

Yeah.

More later.

Two nights ago I went into the Star to see some of the regulars that had been asking about I was hearing through the grapevine. So I was hanging out at the bar (with a water) talking to all of them and Angel pulls me aside and asks to talk to  me in private. We sit at 64 and she lights up a cigarette even though it's nonsmoking where we are (we're closed at this point, though). So I light one up too.

Moral of the story is she wants me back. Bad. She offered me whatever I wanted and she was very genuine. The truth of the matter was indeed that ultimately did want to return to the Star, it's something that's become a very close part of my life the past 3 years and has always made me extremely happy. Everyone there is without a doubt family and I couldn't picture not knowing any of them on a professional level anymore.

Then Angel and I discussed the catch: alcohol. Sad but true, the Star's most valued employees, also the ones that have stuck around for the most amount of years, were all bonehead alcoholics (my self still included since this isn't going to be an overnight process). This includes 2 of the best bartenders, 2 of the best servers, and a manager--that's not particularly good. I told Angel I was not able to predict if coming back would make me or break me, or not do much to me at all as far as the throws of temptation go, especially since I would be working with the same friends that were there the night I fell.

So I opened the Star yesterday morning. The guests were very happy to see me, as was everyone else, and it was a good day, everything just fit like a glove, like it always has. Shanna's 23rd birthday was yesterday so last night I went with her out to Bungalow where a lot of people were waiting for her. I had a few beers and  a 2 Hpnotiq martinis (**REMINDER**this is nothing for me) and bought a whole bunch of whatever for Shanna. Kristen, my cousin, even came and had a couple Red Bulls and hung out for a bit which I was glad. She hadn't been back to Bungalow since her DUI a month and a half ago. We all had a really fun time and I'm glad I went. I'm also glad my mom hasn't set any rules since I've moved in with her. That puts a lot more on my shoulders to be more in control of myself, because I'm a sucker for going out and being the limelight with my friends. So we'll see, we'll see...

I bartend tonight, I'm really excited about that, I love bartending. I'm the loudest thing in the restaurant!!!

Alright.

Let's do a comparison.

The first week or so of emerging out of a constantly drunken state, I was tieless, the only obligation I ultimately had was to go the 35 minute drive into Herndon to go tanning so that I was using my monthly package for all it was worth. I would take several walks along the river which I absolutely enjoyed and will not cease in doing; I hung around the apartment and organized anything and everything that needed it; I wrote a couple poems out of it, I even walked into D.C. and played tourist for a day. Except all this time while I was definitely brushing up on quiet time and some inner peace while letting a lot of alcohol be alleviated from my system both mentally and physically, I was becoming very aware of how unneeded I felt. With that feeling, came an unusual sort of loneliness, and with lonliness, famously, came the craving to get rid of it via whiskey.

Luckily, I didn't act on these impulses because I was expecting them to show up regardless of whether or not I would start to feel lonely and unnoticed. Be that as it may, I have now added another obligation besides tanning (though that one obligation was quite relaxing and I rather enjoyed it by itself) and that is the Star.

That damn Star.

So I wake up around one in the afternoon, Shanna text messages me and thanks me for a wonderful birthday, I watch a whole bunch of senseless VH1 while doing laundry, then I leave for the Star to bartend.

"Kara's back!! Hooooollly sh*t!!!" yelled Craig, our Native American fireball regular whom I've looked at as sort of the girls' "crazy uncle" in the past few years I've known him. It was 3:45 and Brenda was preparing the bar for me as I went to go get my drawer. I came back to the behind of the bar which would be all mine until Kristen came in at 5:30 to close it down as I helped her through the rush.

Craig, a couple of other construction workers that were new to the daily afternoon tequila-crushing these boys were quite famous for, and Wade the long-haired mechanic with a sweet disposition when sober but can tend to let his libido roll right off his tongue after too many Jack Daniels, Ronnie, the quiet, harmless drunk that likes to have his cell phone glued to his ear once he's outrageously intoxicated, and my stalker, Duke, who likes to say nothing to me in person but looooves to leave little love notes on my truck every time he visits, all of them sang "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...." in the loudest, worst tune I had ever heard but it was really, really funny. Craig reached over the bar with his long gray hair and feather earrings dangling around and reached for the soda gun. He pointed it straight at himself and shot water right at his face.

"Darlin, I just gotta cool off every time you come over here!" I put the drawer in the computer and shook my head at him in the mirror, wondering just how long a few hours was really going to be.

Wade, Ronnie and some really funny fat guy from Pittsburg were all on one tab.

"Cin I hayave three shotsa Jack fer these fine, astoundin gentlemen sittin on either side a'me?" He was just like that "Get Her Done" guy.

"Not until you say that whole thing all over again on the intercom." I grabbed the mic, switched it on and handed it to him. There were only two tables in the restaurant at this point and I knew who both of them were, so I figured I'd give him his 15 seconds of fame. Sure enough...

Craig downed about 3 Cuervos and a couple of Budweisers, Duke just sipped his beer while doing god knows what with his eyes behind his sunglasses, and my three wise men continued to do one more round of Jack. Then Victor walks in. Victor is the ignorami that claims he's Mexican one day, then Hindu the next. Victor is the bald guy who owns his own business but does tend to go bankrupt a couple of times a year. Victor is the one I find the greatest pleasure in getting him truly drunk as fast as I can so that I can cut him off as soon as I can so that he will leave and go to Hard Times across the parking lot. And he knows it. It's a twisted game we play and he for some reason loves that I'm not polite enough to refrain from informing him that he is indeed a dickhead.

"Well, well, well," he throws his hat on the bar and pulls his Marlboro Reds from his shirt pocket. "my love, my sunny valentine..." We share an evil stare and I slide an eightball of Bacardi 151 towards him.

"That one's on me." I undo my ponytail and shake my hair around, smiling off into space, slamming an ashtray down in front of him.

"What are we taking today gentlemen?" Victor spreads his arms out in question and smiles his bright white smile at the other citizens at the bar, none who can stand him but keep their mouths shut because he always buys their shots.

"Jack." my three wise men mumble.

"Same sh*t you're takin, Vikki." Craig winks at me and we laugh with each other through a quiet smile.

"Miss Kara, I want 3 Mr. Daniels for these boys on my right, and 2 Cuervos and 2 Buds for Sir Craig and myself." He chugged the 151 and let out a long exhale. "Whoo!"

......So moral of the story is at this point, if you hang around this, not only that but if you're making the drinks and hanging around this...You don't really want to drink.

So I closed the restaurant for Mike, then me him, Troy and Dana played darts and I went home, happy with what I made, seeing as how that cluster of regular's tabs was a totality of more than $200 alone, then there were still two more shifts of regulars to come. Kristen and I had fun. Anyway, gotta get ready for work. Kristen and Mike might come by for dinner tonight.

Have a good weekend!

So I snatched up the lil cuz (10 I think) for a play day today. We went to a water park, had a 2-person private pizza party under the sun, then went to see Madagascar--->Awesome. I think I was laughing harder than her, though. Now she's out to dinner with my aunt for my aunt's 40-something birthday. I really need to work on memorizing my family members' birthdays.

My friend made that for his friend. I just thought it was kinda cool.

So anyway, I'm back in D.C. now and I think I will go roaming.

BYEEE!!

The fence is white...

The pain is white...

I've seen a thousand sunsets

(legitimately)

My heart has sung enough songs

(unheard)

Each step I take

gambles an ache in my heartbeat,

I really don't know where to go.

Each breath I take

spreads my strength

in so many miles, this can't speak for

a rescue

a recovery

a painting that may never be framed, looked upon,

I may have to step upon this road which promises

nothing. As much as I radiate,

I might not benefit anyone anymore.

My fingers, my paintbrush

upon the white backround that

doesn't mean a whole lot to me,

My eyes are starving for a face

I may not see for a while...

Alright for all those of you who were showing me (I very much appreciate this a whole lot) a bit concern regarding my reassociation with the Star, it's over. Kara no do that again.

"Kara, I know it drives you nuts not having a job right now but you've really got to focus on you, not what everyone else wants you to do or how much they think they need you. As much as they may need you, you need you more than ever right now. I've never had to tell you that before until now, which tells me you need to hear it. Please don't go back there. You'll end up right where you left off."

Damn it. This woman is brilliant.

Gotta love Mom.

So guess I'm laying like a vegetable on the grass tomorrow writing the great American novel. Ugh. Maybe I'll look into volunteer work. Because I have to do something.

We are tiny rooms

on this Earth...

So many stories

ink never could paint on paper

So many dreams

a soft whistle behind the busy hum of life's traffic

We are tiny rooms

inside a ferocious storm...

Full of worldly anger

whipping its wind outside our walls

Full of flooded pain

crashing its waves upon our doors

We are tiny rooms

among a mountainous destiny...

Where faith beats down upon our walls

in glowing streams of sunlight

Where love opens our doors after the rain dies

and invites us to see the rainbow...

In our tiny rooms

is a universal aswer...

The peace is inside.

ooh, yay, good one!!!

Woke up at noon today (confessing more than rubbing it in), prepared a breakfast that consisted of none other than juice, Diet Cherry-Vanilla Dr. Pepper and orange spice tea (I think I was a little more thirsty than usual). Amidst a quick, unemployed sun-bathe on the deck outside, I managed a mental run-through of all that was available for me to do to fill up the day. Once I created an itinerary, I went inside and popped in my sister's jogging CD (this is as close to exercise as I am able to get); I did some laundry, made my bed, took a shower, set up an account on Ebay for the madre (Faberge shotglasses if anyone's interested, $175 but if you're cool I'll get her to lower it), and headed out the door.

I was on a mission for the Walden bookstore that is allegedly a few blocks from our apartment.

About 12 blocks later I found Books A Million. I went through every aisle and browsed to my little heart's content until my stomach started growling. It was down to a worldwide cookbook and a humorous novel I can only assume a female would appreciate. Seeing as how the conclusion of my itinerary involved sitting on the marina and reading whatever I was going to buy was about to be put into play, I thought it might be a little ridiculous to lose myself in a cookbook full of foreign delicacies with ingredients I more than likely would not be able to pronounce while curled up on a bench having me-time. So I went with the fiction.

I crushed an iced vanilla latte and settled into a bench overlooking the boats anchored at one of the docks. About 20 pages into the book (which actually was pretty funny), a short pudgy girl with a yellow rag on her head and baggy clothes plopped down about 2 feet away from me.

"Hi?" It was almost a question inside a small, high-pitched voice. I looked over at the girl who seemed to be my age and found the confrontational expression on her face to be a little odd. She was about to ask me for something.

"Hi, how are you?" I smiled at her, turned the page to my book and tried to pretend like that was the end of it.

"I really like your outfit." She smiled at me and I noticed several of her front teeth were missing, and there was something not so brown about her eyes. Not only that, but I was wearing black shorts and a black t-shirt with black flip-flops (I seem to be losing my creativity day by day for reasons of dwindling mental stimuli, which is my greatest guess).

"Thank you. So what are you up to today?" Shit, I had nothing better to do than to be polite. She looked around her and started licking the front of what teeth remained in a fast sort of motion.

The word cocaine came to mind but I set it aside and waited for her answer.

"Well, see...I'm homeless. And I'm pregnant. And my mom's really sick and I need to get her some medicine at the store, but we don't have enough money. Do you think you could spare a dollar or two?" She began tapping her foot on the boardwalk and patting her stomach.

I'm a pretty patient person. I can't really recall a time I've ever gotten irritated at a stranger, and there was that slight 0.001% chance that she was telling the truth.

"Are you really pregnant?"

"Yes. Positive."

"How far along are you?"

"Um...a few weeks."

"Look, if you're pregnant, that's a pretty serious issue for your health and you're baby's. Since CVS is right there, let's you and me go and get a pregnancy test, just to be sure. I'll pay for it because if you're really pregnant then you need to start really taking care of your body, and when the results do come up positive, I can call my mom at work and see if there's a way she might be able to help you as far as getting some professional medical assistance."

"That's okay. You have a nice day, ma'am."

"You too. And good luck."

I said the right thing, right? Should we really give someone that rubs you the wrong way a couple of dollars to smooth away a confrontation like that, where you know it's far from pure? 

I'm used to leaving

empty-handed.

I wish it wouldn't be so comfortable

underneath my tears.

If you look in her eyes,

for the first time,

...there won't be any harm, and

There she goes...

All in her own skin.

All on her own.

+ Known as: Karebear

Lives in: Virginia

Birthday: December 16

School: You couldn't throw me over your shoulder and take me.

Religion: Christian

Height: 5'9"

Hair color: Dark brown

Eye color: Hazel (sort of )

* section 2 have you ever... *

Cheated on someone?: Yes (I was 17, but whatever I guess it counts)

Been Cheated on?: Yes

Fallen off the bed?: Yes

Broken someones heart?: Yes.

Had your heart broken?: Yes

Had a dream come true?: Yes

Done something you regret?: Yes

Cheated on a test?: Yes

* section 3 currently *

Eating?: Nothing.

Drinking?: Water

Wearing?: Surfboard pajama pants and little yellow t-shirt

Listening to?: An airplane flying over me

Located?: Home

Chatting with?: Troy

Watching?: Nada.

 Should REALLY be ....?: Putting my bowl in the dishwasher

* section 4 do you... *

Brush your teeth?: lol what the fuck?

Have any piercings?: ears and nose but I haven't worn anything in either in years

Drive?: Yes.

Drink?: I'll let you guys answer that one.

Smoke?: Cigarettes

Have a cell?: Yes

* section 5 [mindsay] friends *

Who is your best?: I believe there are several

Who do you hate?: No one in particular.

Who is the most talkative?: Michele.

Who laughs the most?: That's me.

Who have you known the longest?: Phil.

Who have you known the shortest?: I don't remember her name, lol.

Do you hang out with the opposite sex?: Yes.

Who is the weirdest?: I don't hang out with anyone weird.

Who is the smartest?: We're all pretty much up there, with a few exceptions.

Who is the most ghetto?: lol, Brenda.

Do you trust your friends?: That depends.

Are you a good friend?: Yes.

Can you keep a secret?: Yes.

* section 6 the last person you... *

Hugged?: Becky

Kissed?: Ben

IMed?: My sister

Talked on the phone: Becky.

Yelled at?: My sister.

Hated?: That was years ago, who knows.

* section 7 personal *

What do you want to be when you grow up?: Writer/Mom.

What has been the best day of your life?: One of them was last 4th of July, on the beach in Ventura CA, had a block bbq it was quite cool.

What comes first in your life?: My family.

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: No.

What are you most scared of?: Serial killers.

What do you think about before you go to bed at night?: Sex lol

Did u loose someone u love ?: Yep.

Lost as in dead?: Yes.

How many times have you fallen in love?: In love? None.

Love your family?: Of course.

Love your friends?: Yes. 

*section 8 favorite *

Movie: An American Tail

Song: Goodness...um...Let's do Little Mermaid's "Under the Sea". Yeah!

Band: Stones, right now.

Animal: Panther

Store: Forever 21

Relative: Uncle Bob/Buck lol

Sport: Baseball

Ice Cream Flavor: Mint chocolate chip

Fruit: Bananas.

Vegetable: Broccoli (soft)

Salad Dressing: Honey Mustard or Ranch

Candy: Junior Mints.

Day of the Week: Friday.

Time: 12:00pm

Color: Red.

Name for a Girl: Heather.

Name for a Boy: Aiden.

* section 9 do you *

Like to give hugs?: Yes!

Like to give kisses?: To who?

Like to walk in the rain?: Doesn't matter.

Prefer black or blue pens?: Black.

Have stuffed animals?: In storage.

* section 10 what do you think about... *

Abortion: Pro-Choice, but I personally could never do it.

Suicide: A mistake, surely.

Smoking: If you smoke, you smoke.

Summer: Beach and the outdoors, thank God!

Tattoos: If they're cool, few really are.

Piercings: Tongue rings and the southern region are disgusting to me.

* section 11 this or that *

Sweet or baked Potato?: Sweet. Just butter, no cinnamon sugar.

Pierced nose or tongue?: Nose.

Screw up or give up?: Screw up.

Single or taken?: Single.

MTV or BET?: MTV

7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek?: Haven't seen either.

Sugar or salt?: Sugar.

Silver or gold?: Silver.

Chocolate or flowers?: Chocolate!

Color or Black-and-white photos?: Black and white.

M&Ms or Skittles?: Whoppers.

Stay up late or sleep in?:Stay up late.

Hot or cold?: Hot.

Mustard or ketchup?: Mustard.

Spring or Fall?: Spring.

Happy or sad?: Happy.

Wonder or amazement?: Wonder.

Mexican or Italian food?: Italian.

Lights on or off?: Off, I prefer natural light.

Candy or Soda?: Candy.

Pepsi or Coke? Diet Pepsi, all the way.

Sleep on your side, stomach or back?: All.

Have a goldfish?: I have a problem keeping fish alive.

Have a birthmark?: No.

*Section 12 Ever...*

Had the falling dream?: Yep.

Had poison ivy?: Yes.

Had the chicken pox?: Yes.

Been stung by a bee?: Yes.

Been punched in the face?: No.

Had straight As?: Yes.

Been on the radio?: Yes.

Won a contest?: Yes.

Sung in front of a large crowd?: Yes.

Fallen and couldn't get up?: lol yes.

Apologized when you didn't want to?: No.

Today is the beginning of an exciting new moving day...You guys probably think I'm nuts because all I do is freakin move, lol.

Well this time it's just across the street to a bigger apartment.

I'm going to make myself a couple of cups of tea, throw some laundry around and drive and make the 25-mile trek out to Herndon to retrieve some more of my stuff from my old place. Mom's boss, Bob Muse, is having a dinner party for his son's high school graduation and I think I'm going to make cookies or something. All I have packed here at Mom's though are skirts and jeans and t-shirts soooo...I'll have to ravage through my old place and find my old prom dress or something lol.

Anyway, let the fun begin...

"Those who love the wise are watching them, researching them; Those who the wise love are either telling them or running away."             --Anonymous

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRR

RRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzppt.

Okay. Done. :)

A motorcycle's first breath,

a freedom, unstripped

young, vanilla skies

tempt a merciful dreamer, whip on her bare back

with beating worlds on either side

and hot, dark pavement roaring on

this merciful mover,

A new piano's first breath,

the keys threading a song inside her head

while she chews on her soul

of black leather and unnoticed, pale flowers

Daylight hissing into the eyes

of this merciful dancer,

the white lines flying beneath her

chilling her to the bone,

and the beauty sheds off,

as she rides against the wind...

6:00pm arrives. The sky is clouded, the ground is wet, and the air carries a light rain that has not yet found where to go...

Mom and Bethany are on there way to the apartment from the office in D.C. and I am inside scrambling for an outfit impressive enough for a dinner event where highly successful judges, lawyers, and Harvard students will be flourishing, and I have not a drop to my name but a high school diploma from 2001...Mom said earlier to be ready by 6:30. I find some nice-fitting dark beige pants, the same color tank top, and a 3-quarter-length silk black button-up shirt to layer it with, and my camel leather boots. I pin the front of my hair back and touch up my flourescent almond eye shadow. That will have to do. Bethany and Mom pick me up and I am riding in the back of the white Jeep Cherokee through downtown D.C., staring at the New York traffic and the hundreds of nameless faces walking from one place to somewhere else. Everything felt very steady and smooth-moving.

We drove down Embassy Row, where her boss, lawyer Robert F. Muse resided just beyond that and I admired all of the beautiful homes shadowed behind the willows and the oaks. Mom parked along a curb where all these beautiful houses were and reality started to set in. Mom knew all of the people that would be there for this event, which I still wasn't sure what it was for, and Bethany would immediately be accepting because she was in law school, and I was scared. What did I have to offer these people? What was I going to say when they shook my hand and smiled and asked what I was doing for a living, or where I went to college? My mother was this amazing woman to them, my sister a thriving law student, and I'm just the girl that fell off the bar stool 3 weeks ago with nothing left to her name, even the black eyes had faded away at this point.

I didn't want to leave the jeep. But I did.

We walked through the white picket fence (yes, the white picket fence) and were immediately greeted by Chris Muse, who had his legs crossed, relaxing inside a white wicker chair with a glass of red wine in one hand and an expensive watch wrapped around the other. Across from him were the parents, his mother a retired judge, in an extraordinary lavender dress and a genuine smile. They didn't seem so frightening, still, I wanted to be somebody, I wanted to be or feel as important as them, even though I knew I had accomplished my own things in life, it wasn't paying my bills like it was paying theirs.

We walked inside and the home was beautiful, framed art, wooden floors, dark sofas and a large dining room table. In the kitchen was Ana, preparing the dinner and desserts were placed carefully and accessibly everywhere. I shook hands with a few more people, very close friends of the family I had to assume, and so far it was going to be fine, so long as I was still attached to my mother by the hip. We drew towards the back of the house where the deck door was open and a cluster of very handsome young men were gathered, grilling cheesburgers and sipping Sam Adams.

"Hi, everyone!" My mom waved to all of them, and they all helloed back with bright white smiles and then acknowledged Bethany and me. One of them, in particular, stood out and he was in a full dark suit and tie, with short brown hair and when I looked down I noticed he was in his bare feet with Notre Dame sandals. It was adorable. He was tall, with a clean, solemn handsomeness and he looked right at me.

"Brian, Brian Nicholson, I remember you!" My mom shook his hand and he smiled at her as if they'd had a hundred conversations before. He looked back over at me and my mom introduced Bethany first, a law student at blah blah finishing her first year and blah blah...Then it was like they all chimed in at the question when it was my turn..."And are you in law school, too?" I could have sworn I saw the gallows off in the distance, further in the back yard, but to no avail.....

"This is Kara. She's my author. She's been published a few times and we're working on finding her an agent for a book she's working on now." Okay, she kind of glazed that donut, but it wasn't necessarily a lie, so I blinked away the pipedream of it and shot a smile and just when I thought it was all over and we were allowed to turn back around and head towards the creme brulee...

"What did you have published?" Notre Dame asked me.

"A poem and some short stories." I like his voice and his eyes. But the sandal aspect was the best part.

"What kind of poems?"

Huh? Like...you know...A poem! Right?...Ummm...

"Who's your favorite?" I could only assume he meant poet. Just when I was about to pull an answer right out of my--

"Hey, hey, ho there!" Pete Muse sailed right in between us and stopped right there to say something to one of the other guys.

Notre Dame slowly sunk his head and by that time Mom was pulling Bethany and me back inside to meet some of the young teenagers that Bob had taken from shelters in inner cities and brought home with him to attend St. Albans and start a new future.

There went that, I thought.

Then I found out what this whole night was all about.

Bob waved everyone into the dining room where three tall white candles were lit atop a long blue tablecloth with fresh-cut coral flowers and at the head of the table was a 17-year-old Hispanic boy who, just 4 years before, was pulled from a shelter in South Bronx, New York after living on the streets at 13. Jose was in fresh, ironed khakis, a striped collared shirt tailed with a long, blue tie. He looked incredible. He was also graduating high school tomorrow, from St. Albans. Behind him were 6 other boys, 5 a couple years older, and the other, Sek, 15, from Rowanda that had just been brought in by Bob. About 15 different people, including the Acadamy's staff, teachers, counselors, close friends, and Bob's sons, who'd all fallen in love with Jose in the past 4 years, each gave a speech in how proud they were of him, each time choked in tears of admiration and love. I stood, among the rest of the crowd, while cameras flashed and applauds were frequent, and I lost it 3 or 4 times myself, having just met him this very evening. His brother, Abel and his mother, who had just moved down the month before, were also there and thanked everyone for all their patience and kindness and great hearts, through a translator.

I stood there, clenching myself, thankful for everything right down to my toothbrush, watching this young man who barely spoke a word but you could see in his eyes he was feeling an enormous amount of love by an enormous amount of people for the very first time in his life.

After the speeches and the thank you's and the embraces were finished, everyone spread about once more and chatted among themselves, pouring more wine and enjoying the desserts. My mom, Beth and I said our goodbyes and thank you's to everyone we met tonight and we headed towards the front door and there was Notre Dame, sprawled out on one of the sofas, going through the 2005 yearbook with the other guys, including Jose. We said goodbye and walked out the front door and I rubbed the mascara from underneath my wet eyes.

"Thank you, girls, for coming to this. It means a lot to me."

Was she kidding?

"Thank you, Mom, for taking me."

We drove back through downtown D.C., Mom got us lost like she always manages to do, Bethany kept reminding her of what an atrocious driver she is, and I had the window rolled down in the back seat, staring at all the outdoor coffee lounges and cafes, and all the young people swarming about. The three of us managed our way through the Friday night Georgetown traffic, cracking up the whole way at my mother's horrifying inability to drive alongside every other living being on the planet, our lives flashing before our eyes every 15 seconds lol.

Watching my mom and my sister in the front seats, and seeing the capitol lit up on our left while leaving D.C. in all it's magnificence, I quietly thank God for my family. Because it is, indeed, my family. And I don't want or need anything else.

...A good day, today...

I love the new apartment! It's cool because if I walk 10 or 15 feet in the same direction...I don't hit a wall :).

In other news (which there isn't really), I am 80% moved in and finally collapsed at around 7 yesterday evening from hauling truckloads up three flights of stairs all day in the sweltering, 90 degree humidity of this trifling mid-Atlantic area of our nation. I took a shower, ate some almonds, and unpacked a coloring book while watching Where The Heart Is only to discover that I had no crayons.

(This qualifies as an emergency in Kara's world.)

I do 80 down George Washington Pkwy until I see a CVS where I flee inside while talking on my cell to my former boss as he is calling to see how I am doing since I have decided I like not having a job and have not yet put forth an effort to wrestle my resume for a new one.

Anyway, I get the 96-pack (duh), a couple of movies, a magazine, some gum and this new mascara Maybelline has out because the wand looked pretty cool and it said "Turbo Boost" which gave me a sort of 007 Indiana Jones vibe as the guy with dreadlocks behind the counter tossed it into my bag.

"$47.76"

Oh. My. Crayons certainly have a finer quality to them than they did 15 years ago when I was supposed to stop coloring in coloring books...Which is why they must be $47.76.

Hm.

The bright side is there is a sharpener included in the 96-pack of crayons, PLUS my eyelashes will be turbo-boosted for the next couple of months all the live long day...

Next Mission:

Buy a machete with the American Express card, then mince the American Express card with none other than the machete, then strive for world peace.

It's 118 degrees in Islamabad.

I don't want to hear any complaining today, people!

For those of you who don't know, and I don't believe that any of you do, my 24-year-old sister Bethany, is a bitch. She's always been one to me, and that's fine, after this many years it becomes quite numbing. But she's really starting to treat my mother like crap, and that...is a little irritating.

"I just can't understand how she can be so mean to me when I've stuck with her through thick and thin through all these years!" My mom exlaimed to me in a stressed out tone as I was smoking with my head stuck outside of the kitchen window.

"Alright, I'm taking Nancy to the airport. I'll be right back." she said, about to head out the door.

"Can you take Bethany, too?" I jumped up to my feet and let a huge smile spread across my face.

"I wish!" My mom started laughing and then left.

So I start to set up my computer in my new bedroom. Low and behold, I've left my mouse at the old apartment where Bethany is  for the next two nights until the new tenant moves in. She is unbearable to live with both my mother and I have decided together; when she does come to the new apartment in 2 days, I'm going to have to stay with my grandmother for a week or so, as I have an overwhelming need to inflict severe physical pain on her every time she opens her smart-ass, ungrateful, whiny mouth to Mom and me.

"Just say the word, Mom, and I'll knock her out."

"Kara!"

Silence. We stare at each other. We both know what she's thinking but no decent mother would say such a thing aloud to her other daughter. So we both smile and pretend I never offered it.

Okay, back to the missing mouse...I realize I left it over at the wicked witch's castle and heave a long, begrudging sigh. Ugh. I'm going to have to go get it. I summon the nerve inside me as I walk to my truck and prepare myself as I know she's going to try to hit every button I've got for the 30 seconds I'm in there to retrieve the mouse. I drive the 2 blocks to the old apartment and, take the key out of the ignition, and glare at air.

"Here we go..."

I walk up to the front door and hear the TV inside. I hear her blowing her nose. She's sitting right by the door. I turn the knob, as it's always unlocked because there's only one key between the 3 of us. Locked.

Knock, knock, knock. Ten seconds go by. Knock, knock, knock. 20 seconds go by. I hear her sniffling and clearing her throught with a high tone that suggests she knows I'm outside, but she's just not going to let me in.

"Bethany, open the door."

Nothing.

"Bethany, come on, I need to get inside!"

Nothing.

I knock about 5,000 times.

Nothing.

Ooookay. I walk outside, and go around back. I climb the deck (with the help of my 007 Mascara--see previous entry). I try the key to the back door. Nope. I knock on the back door. Nope. I yell through the open window. Nope.

Okay. I'm pissed now.

On the way back to the new apartment, mouseless.........

"What city and state, please?"

"San Diego, California." She was worth the $1.25 on my cell. Damn skippy.

"What listing?"

"San Diego Gas and Electric."

"One moment please, while we connect you at no additional charge to..."

"San Diego Gas and Electric, this is Tony, how may I help you?"

"Hi, I need to shut off the gas and electricity at one of my residences."

"Sure ma'am, and may I please have the address of that residence?"

"**** San Diego Avenue."

"And am I speaking with the resident of this address?"

"Yes, you are."

"And your last four digits of your social security number?"

"****. And by the way, I appreciate you asking me that. You can never be too sure anymore, these days." Hahahaaa, I was lovin' it.

"It's no problem, ma'am. And when would you like this service shut off?"

I had to think. Bethany was supposed to fly back for law school in August, but Mom was already talking about flying her back in a few weeks because she couldn't take her attitude.

"Today. As soon as possible."

"Is June 9th okay?"

"Perfect. And if I wanted to reinstate my billing cycle, would there be an admissions fee that I'd have to pay all over again?"

"Yes, there would be, ma'am. Would you like your deposit sent back to your original billing address, which is in Washington, D.C.?"

I slammed on my brakes. Mom's paying her GAS BILL, TOO??? That conniving RAT.

"Yes, I would. And just so you know, I'll be back in the States in the next few weeks, and when I do call to reinstate it, I'd like to confirm now that I'd like my bill to be sent to the address on San Diego Ave. You can delete the Washington, D.C. billing address after the deposit is sent out, is that cool?"

"Yes ma'am, we can do that for you. Is there another address you'd like to add gas or electric to where you'll be moving?"

"No, thank you, you've been great."

"Well I appreciate you calling, ma'am, and you have a wonderful evening."

"It's only getting better. Thanks."

haHA. I told Mom. Her eyes got huge and she covered her mouth and let in a huge gasp. Then a shocked smile formed, then she bent down and started cracking up.

"Kara!" Then she got serious and put her hands on her hips. "You can't do that! She's going to have a fit now!"

"She won't find out until she's back, and all she can do then is call and whine her head off. That's what the End button is for on your cell phone, Mom."

"Aargh, my girls..."

Aaah, karma will eat me alive for that one, and I hope it savors every bite, that felt so goooooooood.

(yawn.)

Hmmmmm. I'm sleepy :)

It's times like these I really do need someone to tell me to go to bed...but everyone's already asleep, haha. :)

The Things You Fear

By Jewel Kilcher

The things you fear

are undefeatable

not by their nature

but by your approach

1. That got published.
2. I'm pissed.
3. What the hell?
4. What am I doing?
5. I'm sitting indian-style on a lottery that is my own.

I sit on the window sill, blowing smoke into the warm wetness of the night

as it clings to my t-shirt and my legs dangle down, my toes trace circles on the soft carpet

and I sigh, blowing smoke into another dark June morning and blinking away a terrible alertness that refuses to let me cash in another day where I stopped...

Old papers, torn from binders and legal pads, stained with my handwriting lay sprawled and strewn around my bed. Unheard. Unseen.

...Just a girl with a dollar in her wallet and a NY Times Bestseller in her heart...

Dark Flowers

         --Dedicated to B.H.

I wonder what the rhythm

of your breathing is

when I am away

I wonder if I can catch it

Make it go faster

When we lay...

I position my head on your chest just so.

...i can hear your heart beat under your warm, soft skin

Your hair is dark, silky and

smells like mint

Your eyes seem to have grown

older, become smaller this past year

and the brown is worn and faded

from the miles that are  now between us

I wish I could be your breath,

your soul, your quick warm pulse

so that I could be with you always

and leave with you when you die.

I would rather have that

than stale promises

that we will never lose each other

...when we already

have 

 My cat Raven...

 An aerial of Raven yawning (it is 1:30 in the morning)

Here it is, folks. Real living evidence that I will be an old spinster who is obsessed with her cats 25 years down the road from now.

;)

This is Nameless, signing off....:)

I am 22 years old and I cannot work my blinds.

It is quite apparent to all onlookers that peer upward from the streets when they see a girl through the window acting like an Amazon woman pulling at the strings and screaming things no innocent child should hear.......

If I look forward, I can see the Capitol!! It's extraordinary, except I really have to go to the bathroom.

I initially left the house to go to the grocery store. I took the wrong turn and ended up on the Memorial Bridge going into downtown D.C. The diet soda was going to have to wait, apparently. So, I found a 3-hour parking space, which I'm sure is well over the limit by now, and here I am at the dandy old Capitol, and dandy she is.

Well, I'm going to go find a bathroom now...or a big tree...something.

It's been real.

onemanshow80 [7:52pm]: hey K

SpiritEyes111 [7:52pm]: hey you!! how's the west?

onemanshow80 [7:52pm]: crazy. Miss you.

SpiritEyes111 [7:53pm]: no you don't :)

onemanshow80 [7:53pm]: when u comin back

SpiritEyes111 [7:53pm]: That's classified information.

onemanshow80 [7:54pm]: You never slept with me, you can tell me the truth lol

SpiritEyes111 [7:54pm]: You know, most girls would be offended by that remark.

onemanshow80 [7:55pm]: I know better, kbear.

SpiritEyes111 [7:55pm]: Okay. Fine. I'm never coming back. :)

onemanshow80 [7:55pm]: saw that one comin. The guys treating you too fabulously out there...poor fellows :)

SpiritEyes111 [7:56pm]: Something tells me I should take a cigarette break.

onemanshow80 [7:56pm]: now now kbear, I wouldn't wish your transgrassions on any pair of eyes.

SpiritEyes111 [7:57pm]: You're dying for it. :)

onemanshow80 [7:58pm]: I beg mercifully for your secrets.

SpiritEyes111 [7:58pm]: Why must you think me so devious? It's all a game anyway, it's really not something I like to bother myself with, especially in rare conversation with California men. Besides it's not like you're a saint.

onemanshow80 [7:59pm]: In which I can only assume is why we never paired up on the many nights we galavanted around Pacific Beach like royalty, thanks--in large part--to you.

SpiritEyes111 [7:59pm]: for your information, Joaquin Phoenix, I am proud yet cranky to announce that I have been an absolute angel the past few months.

onemanshow80 [8:00pm]: LOL. for your information, Liv Tyler, I am not one of your staggering pawns who feed off of every little lie you tell them.

SpiritEyes111 [8:01pm]: :)

SpiritEyes111 [8:01pm]: whatever do you mean, bishop.

onemanshow80 [8:01pm]: I'm going to go catch the last of today's waves. I miss you terribly, dear friend.

SpiritEyes111 [8:01pm]: You're disgustingly unprepared for the conversations you start with me :)

onemanshow80 [8:02pm]: I'll call you some time this week.

SpiritEyes111 [8:02pm]: I'll make sure I answer in rare form.

onemanshow80 [8:03pm]: kbear...xo. Get the hell out here, I have no females to confide in any longer.

SpiritEyes111 [8:03pm]: Aunt Jemima can be found on aisle 4. Until then, haha, love you love you, chase me down when you've got a little more gun powder on you...:)

onemanshow80 [8:04pm]: Homewrecker.

SpiritEyes111 [8:04pm]: Novice.

onemanshow80 [8:05pm]: Playerism, what a nasty book that must be to read.

SpiritEyes111 [8:05pm]: The only game that never came with directions. Tis not a book :) Later.

onemanshow80 [8:05pm]: Marry me. I'm different, trust me. I'll call you.

SpiritEyes111 [8:06pm]: My three most dreaded sentences from a man. Good luck on the water! :)

onemanshow80 [8:06pm]: Good luck wherever you may be tonight, kbear. Better yet, good luck to the pitiful soul who's paying your way. :)

SpiritEyes111 [8:07pm]: I'm writhing with deep pleasure in that compliment. 

Lusted Treason

December 2003

A roar of

music and intense light

Suede to fur...

Zippers southbound

Agreement in fair play

Panting louder, aching

A crowded Karma

a lonely mission

I lie to your assurance

I breathe on your eyes

You tell me how amazing...

but all I did was...

How real is exquisite deletion

if you cannot foresee it

soothing power by elimination

created in the barest of sight and sound

I size you up as the shivering name that tomorrow will not remember

...weak underneath your glow of amazing skin

you shudder inside me

I won't miss you.

I have notsomuch to say except good morning because I just woke up and had a green pepper for breakfast, which I find to be a little odd. Then again...

I'm meeting Josh tomorrow at the National Gallery of Art for lunch. I have no idea what to wear, so I have decided to just show up in my towel with my wet hair tied back in a messy bun and possibly pink flip-flops. Pink flip-flops are key. There. I've done it. I should get more involved in the fashion industry. Actually, I should just get an all-around good ole' American job. But then that would make me just like everyone else and I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that yet.

I am going to search my fridge for cookie dough and then I am going to go lay down by the river (sans the van) and read a cheesy summer novel and toast myself delightfully under the sun :). G'day

AOL is very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very slow.

AOL moves 1/8 of a mile an hour (on a good day).

AOL sucks.

AOL is An Online Limbo.

AOL is making me want to say that AOL is slow.

...which it is.

By the way, despite the radiant, humorous mood I truly am in right now, AOL is making me f*cking irritated.

I remember when I used to dance...

And I mean dance.

D.C. a haven that was undismissable,

not a skirt that matched mine,

not a glance where legs were longer,

not a song that didn't intimidate my hips,

and every man's wallet

was being chewed softly,

inside my cheeks, like a squirrel simply collecting,

that numerous tally of Bacardi & Diets,

that song that would bring me to the floor

and Have me.

I do miss those nights...

It's not too late, yet I sense what is wrong...

and I may never slip into those tall white boots again,

and force magic onto a floor where lights flicker and

youth celebrates the speed of anonymity.

I miss that power, that city manipulated, those few songs

that took me away, brightened all those strangers' eyes

climbing out of sadness,

dancing with all the fury and magic one human could possibly get away with...

Damn I miss it, the whole entire escape.

I don't think I've ever asked you guys to drop everything before, so if you could find it in you to take a minute for this, please do...

https://www.worldvision.org/worldvision/guest.nsf/onecampaign_wv?Open

Thank you :)

I love waking up at Nana's. There's something safe and welcoming about this house that I just love, and I never want to leave it every time I come down to visit. It's far enough away from the city and deep enough into the country that nature can usually put on a good show outside and I love waking up here superearly and laying out on the deck with my grandfather with a book. We don't say a word to each other but we make a thousand memories.

I have FRENCH TOAST waiting for me, I wouldn't trade her french toast for anything...besides Brad Pitt.......naked....(shiver)....

1. Cut my hair (NOT happening).

2. End my peculiar obsession with Diet Sunkist. The aspartame is horrible for you.

3. Start investing in tagless t-shirts/tank tops.

4. Clean the bed of my truck out.

5. Go through the cellular and erase numbers I know I'll never call.

6. Start painting again. Oil, fresh white canvases, oooh it is a tempting thought.

7. Stop referring to my sister as "Paris".

8. Eat more.

9. Stop daydreaming of becoming a world-reknown con-artist with 8 rich ex-husbands and an exquisitely decorated kitchen to die for..... http://community.webshots.com/photo/344061590/344062301ouPFLm

10. Go back to D.C. after I have lunch because today is way too beautiful to stay inside AND there's a waterfront festival AND

I'm goin. :)

My first one without him...

It didn't hit me until tonight. I really didn't have a card to send, a call to make, a thought to imagine, that he was being catered with a cake and a hug and kiss from my brothers...

But he's gone. And I don't know the number to Heaven.

I love you, Dad

Wretched. Daytime shows are *bluh*.

TODAY:

nothing planned. I have no hot water for some ungodly reason that I need to investigate. This is delaying my shower which is delaying the plans I don't have.

TONIGHT:

Lone Star. A reunion of sorts, free food, karaoke for the intoxicated, but most importantly for me, I get to see Angel, my old boss and all of my old regulars whom I miss. I believe I will be arriving around 6ish. This, of course, depends on if I am willing to put myself through a cold shower. Then I would imagine we will all be going out after closing. Don't worry, it's Diet Cokes only for this chick.

I've never had a cold shower; I may have to give myself a little pep-talk in the mirror beforehand.

I got to the Star at around 5:30pm and took ownership of the last stool between Craig and Ed. Every single regular was there and for the first time in a long time, the bar was packed almost to the point where it could have been a fire hazard.

"Get whatever she wants on mine. I'm not kiddin' Brenda, everything o'hers is on me, even after I leave. Here," he handed Brenda a plastic red Visa Brenda and Becky (both behind the bar) gave me the Jackpot Wink. (Jackpot Wink: deserved and distributed only when one has found a way to coerce the phenomenon of a tabless bar visit. Lucky are Becky and I for damn near making a living out of it.) "See what trouble she can get herself into with that lil' guy."

"Thank you, Craig!" I crooned and all the others just shook their heads and smiled at their beloved ESPN hooplah.

I decided to be polite and only order draft beer, no fancy things such as Craig's 7 or 8 tequila shots nor Becky's famous long islands (which I am not sure even contain sweet and sour mix). The night eased on and I was having a very great time catching up with the thirty-some-odd people there that had all known each other for years, probably since I was in elementary school. Angel, my old boss, tapped my shoulder and asked if she could steal me.

"For old time's sake." She handed the microphone to me and a bunch of the older regulars that sat at cocktail tables all clapped and banged on the table.

Sounds like I'm about to sing, right?

Wrong.

"Hey! Everyone! Shut up, aah thank you! I am sorry to report that CBS News was not able to televise this lovely event yet again this month, however I have the same announcement to make as last time, and the time before that, and the..." The regulars repeated it for me, but with drunk drawls and they reminded me of beached pirates, haha.

I put myself in the middle of the crowd and they spun me around and around and I picked out Sam, the tiny old black man who was sweeter than all of them and whose wife was part owner of the breakfast place in the same shopping center. I was glad I had chosen him, since he was one of everyone's favorites. He put his slender, aged hand in the bucket and pulled out a card that said "Complimentary lunch for 2, up to $20 value".  The raffle went on and on and finally I was so freakin dizzy I nominated Tequila Craig to take over, which turned out to be entertaining, in an I'm-locked-in-the-room-with-him sort of way.

Angel had also gotten 2 large cakes that had "Thank You For Being A Part Of The Family". written in red icing on each one. I had a piece, which cake tastes great with Miller Lite by the way, and Doug tapped me on the shoulder amidst my calorie-fest and plopped down a black Batman hat right in front of me while singing the Batman in his odd squeaky voice. I was ecstatic.

"Yeah! You're awesome, Doug! Thank you."

"I saw it and I thought--up!--that's for Kara!"

(I have an inexorable lust for Batman. He's super hot. I've wanted to pounce on him since third grade. Yes. I had a libido in third grade.)

So anyway, Angel changes her shirt and sits down and has a few after making me a pina colada and pronouncing it my last drink of the night (karamac <----recovering alcoholic). By 10, most of them had cleared out and whoever was left was either singing to themselves or living up the same memories they lived up on last month's Guest Appreciation Night. Still cute though.

Becky got off at 11 and the employees and some of the regulars followed us up to Hard Times.

I am going to stop here. For Becky's sake, really, not for mine.

Kay bye.

TODAY: Escape into the outside, however it is raining, so...

TODAY: Escape into truck, run errands (*reminder* Errands are fun when it's with someone else's credit card), do a few of my own things I feel like doing.

TONIGHT: Heh. Hmm...I promised myself I would stay in once a week--that was last night, so tonight's allllll mine!!

Good lord.

Don't you hate when secrets are so secret you can't even put them on your online journal for all the free world to see???

...Wait. Nevermind.

I headed towards the restroom with a sense of alarming relief, a momentary independence I told myself to savor. I swung open the door and was halfway relieved to see it empty and I was the only one around.

I passed the mirrors in a subtle fury and clasped a door shut so that I was totally enclosed from all that had become of tonight.

This man was waiting for me, at an extravagant table, and I 'm sure he had much to say in the matter, however I longed to be under my blanket I had hidden under since Kindergarden and dismiss any expectation that publicity would love to lick its lips at in ?bitterness? perhaps and I really was not trying to do anyone a favor, I was on a date and I convinced myself in my mind, just before while getting ready in my apartment, I was putting the very last tolerable layer of mascara on the eyelashes and suddenly I didn't want to go at all.

I wanted to curl up in bed and pretend that I wasn't supposed to don a white layered gown and exhaust my right wrist by closing the zipper against my back and flowing submissively past a wrath of strangers that only awed my dress and not the ideas running through my head and it all simply became too big of a picture for me...

I pushed open the expensive door and sauntered imaginatively passed the tables of admiring men and pinpointing wives and I was suddenly proud of myself, walking by them not caring what in heavens they stood for, and then came him again, propped handsomely at this dinner table that was ours and ours alone...

Why was I here again?

I loved his eyes, his curious nature, his I-want-to-take-care-of-you purity, I found myself hungry for that chilvary in him, yet I was pulling myself away and I wasn't sure just why accept the questions he was asking me made me wonder if he really cared, if he was being challenging or simply entertaining the flagrant questions that were mulling around in his head simply because...

I answered each one with precision, a color of sincerity in my eyes, doubled by the tone that dared him to ask me another quite like that. I really had nothing to hide. Really, who was I? A tall heiress with a name that was simply a name and no one ever asked nor challenged my opinion, oh how I wished one would, though.

I loved this date, at its third, yet I wished in some other sky, one that never watched us, that it had never gotten this far. Who was he? What was he trying to get? He was simply too curious, too interested and it triumphed my defenses towards a positivity I could no longer take control over.

I sat next to him at the table, roasting marshmallows, sliding my feet out of the designer shoes I had been given for Christmas and here it was my first time wearing them in Summer. I hated him for liking me, only because I'd hated everyone for doing that from the beginning.

I was used to being different, used to walking away from something or someone that thought perhaps that I could distract them from their own lives meanwhile I had no meaningful implication as to who I could corrupt at what party, whose attention I would muster at whichever auction, screw them all.

I just wasn't raising myself that way.

I just didn't care.

So why, did this man before me that drew me so fervently with those brown eyes, why did he question me so, on the first, second and then again on the third date? Why was I there, admiring the fine silverware and subconsciously gathering my gown between my fingers so to make sure that it didn't touch the marble floor.

Who the hell was I to deserve this?

I wanted to cut my hair in front of him and run away in a tantrum. I was aching to be cut loose. I just wanted to be

...by myself.

I act too much, with those questions from those silly men. I'm better off at home, with all the windows open and letting the quiet wind inside and a ridiculously good book...

Can't sleep...

Ask me a question....

I walked determined, but absent...through these past couple of weeks. Pandora's box opened just a crack, and that's generally  fine with me, except a few missing pieces from my past came together...and I certainly was not prepared for it.

I brought David, my cousin, with me to the farm that day. He's from San Clemente, CA and never actually saw a farm in real life. He came with me for support, and under that sentence was a truth that meant he came with me so he could be right there with me while my step-father was around me.

It was a Saturday, very sunny, September 12, 1998 at 2:48pm. I placed my first 911 call at 15 years old, for myself.

After that day, after I crammed as many clothes as I could into my blue Adidas duffle bag, and draped my favorite silver blanket over my shoulders, it was Sunday and I it was the last time I would buckle myself into my mother's Jeep. He had denied everything, the police handed my mother the 6-page statement and told her they were pulling for me. She didn't believe any of it, and she let me go.

The summer before 9/11/2001, he finally confessed to my mother what he had done.

It was a little too late for me, by then. I had graduated high school in June. My love for life was healthier than I'd ever had it be, I made it that way. My heart was a confusing mix of compassion and cinderblock, I made it that way. My strength was simply and purely untouchable, more priceless and appreciated than any other worldly trait, I made it that way.

Last week, I stepped foot on that farm. David had pieces of the story but was never really filled in. He was simply there on my behalf, whatever that was. I pulled my truck into my stepfather's garage and left the keys inside. He had agreed with my grandmother that he would tune it up today and that it shouldn't take too long. Still, she insisted David come with me. I wouldn't have minded going down there by myself, but I knew it would be smarter this way. Not 10 minutes after I had arrived and was killing each grueling second by petting all the cats and dogs I had left behind years ago, an undercover policeman in a brown town car pulled up.

My heart swallowed its beats and all of a sudden a fear inside me that I had not let affect me after that day was crawling up my throat and Bernard shot me a look.

"I didn't..." I stepped back from him, closer towards the cop car that was now parking right beside me.

"Does Bernard D. Glenn liver here?" A fat policeman peered out of his window. He had a bunch of papers in his hand.

"Yes." I pointed to him and stepped back towards the animals, preparing myself for whatever was about to come next. David was in the garage as well, but he was watching The Price is Right on TV and was totally oblivious.

Bernard was handed the papers and the cop lifted his hat at me and pulled away, down the endless gravel driveway that I remember riding down in a police car just 7 years ago. The hood to my truck was open, his tools were beside it, the TV was blaring in the background, and I stood there, with not a clue as to what I should do or ask or say. My old dog, Pepper, remembered me instantly and was running circles around my legs. Bernard passed the papers towards me.

"You read it to me. I don't understand it, I'm just a dumb-ass country boy."

No, you're a 58-year-old coward who ruined me, flat-out ruined me, and here I am now a hell of a lot smarter than you and I'd really love...

to

kick

your

ass.

I pretended to be totally entranced by the documents, so that he would see that I was obeying him and not being defiant, I was trying to soothe the currents and find some sort of temporary solution to comfort, so that he could fix what needed to be fixed on my truck and I could be on my merry way, flicking off all 400 acres of this land and never turning back.

My eyes skimmed the papers my eyes were never meant to see. My mom was filing for divorce. I had to explain it to this man, on that very fateful day that tested me, tested him, tested a time in our lives that we had tried very hard to bury the past few years.

I had to read things to this man that I never even knew had happened between him and my mother. He abused her, starved her, threw dishes at her, made her do farmwork in the pitch dark of night....all of this, after I left at 15 and my mom brought it up every night at dinner with him and eventually he couldn't face his days until he was drunk all day long and by nightfall he hurt her.

I wanted to burn these pages that I found myself reading out loud to him. Finally, it mentioned me. A rage came over me to rip the whole thing up and stomp on it and squirm past him and hop into my truck and roar the engine to life and speed the fuck out of there and never ever return. But by this time David was inside the farmhouse watching HBO and I couldn't possibly leave him there.

I didn't read 9/12/98 to him. I simply walked past Pepper and into the house. Pepper followed me inside and I carefully set the papers on the giant oak-stained dining room table. I didn't dare look up the stairs that led to my old bedroom, I didn't dare look.

It was real. All of it. It was never justified, yet it still existed and my mother was divorcing this man 7 years after she should have from the very beginning. And a part of me will silently hurt from that for the rest of my life. I shouldn't have been there that day. At the same time, it happened, and it told me later on that night, when I was back visiting with my grandparents and we ate dinner and played cards afterwards, like what happened earlier that day had never happened. My truck was fixed, I got out of there safely, and now it is behind me. But it tells me how much I was hiding from it all these years.

I am proud of many things that have to do with me, but it is still a weakness to me that I could be anywhere, a grocery store, a gas station, Home Depot, at a red light, shaking hands with a new friend--if it has blue eyes and a beard, I want to scream and fall to my knees in tears--I see him everywhere I am, and he won't go away...

Still...

I smile. Simply because I made it this way.

It's good to be back :)

 Alright folks...My turn for a vaca :D

I leave for Myrtle Beach in 10 hours. It will be an 8-hour drive but I'm sure we'll stop for food because I get hungry every 15 minutes that I am awake :)

The grandparents and aunt and 10-year-old cousin will be in one condo of a resort in North M.B. and me, Kristen & Mike, Jessica & Robby and David will be in the other condo (the cool condo lol) a few floors up from them.

I have informed the M.B. law enforcement and they are ready for us (me, Kris, Mike and Robby, mainly). ...(Okay, me, mainly) :)

I will miss you guys!!!

Feel free to "Find Me" I can check comments via my cell phone but can't reply to them.

In the car we will only be listening to Jimmy Buffet and the Little Mermaid soundtrack, I have made this very clear to all relatives that choose to bum a ride off of me, which they all have, consequently. I'm sure I'll be getting a lot of writing done once I'm there though, the beach definitely does that to me.

And for the main cluster of my support group regarding the alcoholism which would be my three fairies: sandyquill , silvara7  and rockhockermom  I will be very careful, I promise you :)

xo,

karebear

I would like to talk about Washington, D.C. for a small moment.

Beautiful city. Great city.

The traffic, however, is a super-colossal, venomous, aggressive mass of BMWs, Mercedes, and black, shiny, tinted Town Cars full of ...fruitful... politicians, lobbyists and embassadors.

I am a patient person. As long as the radio station is coming in fine, I can sit in sticky, humidified traffic and not have a care in the world. I will even serenade the cranky cab drivers that are stuck right beside me. I let people cut me off constantly because I am a lover and not a fighter (except for Kristina Lenno in 8th grade, but she deserved it). If someone bumps the tail of my truck I just wave them on, as I have better things to pretend to have to do just like everyone else.

 What bothers me is unnecessary congestion.

 All I ask is that when you all are MERGING off of your exit ramp en masse onto yet another one of Washington D.C.'s fine interstates, make sure that above all else, you actually MERGE.

 This helps Kara not cuss so much.

I would like to get through a whole song without having to explode into a verbal rage of profanities directed towards your flashy, costed-more-than-your-child's-college-education sports car, as its owner has the attention span of a newborn housefly.

 This just happens to be one of those cities where we like the tourists more than the locals...because they take the Metro. And please refain from suggesting that I, too, start taking the Metro because I very much enjoy abusing medians/shopping carts/annoying protestors with my pretty 4x4.

 Moment Ended

 P.S. Be sure to tip your cab drivers--they really should be getting paid for having to listen to me sing Kenny Chesney's "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy".

    I can finally take this survey and do justice to the "citizens" now that I have my Pacman toolbar back!! It's about gdf time. :)                                  

                                            Your New Job is Mayor of WhereYouLivesville

                                              It is up to you to design your neighborhood...

Vice Mayor: drunknphilosphr  (You guys may not know it yet, but he will be getting his own late-night talk show) :D

2 Local Radio DeeJays: callmeroger  because he's hot like that and TheFallenAngel 

Town Butcher: chefhester   duh. I would like to depend on her for good southern Texas meals more than anyone and that is final.

Town Sheriff: nobody  a) that sounds like a cool sheriff's name and b) he can always tell whether or not I am lying on my away messages ;)

Local Morning Newscaster: sandyquill that would be PERFECT!! (Plus she's the only one who is chipper in the early, early mornings.) :)

Used Car Salesman: karamac  I would like this to be my "fast cash" job. TRUST ME.

Town Drunk: brandybear because her drunken posts are both classic and hilarious.

Town Bartender: let's give this to goddesseunomia 

Town Criminal: hauntedwhisper  this needs no explaining......:P

Local LifeGuard: landor  hehehe.

Town Doctor: Krommos he has many remedies for ill-fitting situations :)

Town Paper's Reporter: mullows  Fire at will.

Local Paper Boy: purerockfury  only if he promises to not aim at small animals or windows :)

Town Mailman: Duncan  He delivers nothing but good news :D

Town Movie Critic: robfike  (there wasn't a Town Screenplay Writer haha)

November 29, 2003 by KNM

Your face is a vision

laced with crisp wind

Love is an aroma

sweet, bright, under the falling leaves

rich is your heart

I can hear it beat from another room

These disappointing sunsets

I am regretful to say, are melodious within me

I am sorry

for my hand shaking

in yours

...my clumsy whispers

and phone calls not returned

your warmth is addicting and innocent

I push

You pull

Deep ice of blue sky

Majestic glow of orange sun

Tongue-in-cheek

My heart asks solemnly for a patience

stung by impossibility

As this autumn

will be thick

As this autumn

will be slow

in returning to just myself...

unclenasty 

unclenasty 

unclenasty 

Please choose which of these three blogs you would like to visit and then kindly donate to New Orleans :D

I don't care if this is offensive.

I am a dumbass. I don't have my local police dept. phone number handy. And I would like to ask everyone to not make this mistake that just now happened to me and to seriously get it if you don't have it and keep it in your phone.

Am am really, really really terrified of men and this is just another reason for me to have some sort of distorted assumption about them. I just don't fucking understand it.

A man was working on my mother's car in my apartment complex just now. My mother called me and asked me to walk outside to him and give him the number of our apartment so he could buzz me when he was finished and return the car key to me.

So he buzzes.

I go downstairs with my cell phone. He returns the key to me.

"Can I have a nice cold glass of water please, before I go?" Something triggered right there and sent me back in time to something I'd really rather not get into at the moment.

I remember what happened the last time I refused something like this in a similar situation and I got scared.

"Hold on." I told him and I double-stepped up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment. I leave my fridge with a bottle of water and he is standing in my doorway.

"Thank you very much." I shut the door and go into my room. I hear the door open again. I grab my cell phone and pretend to be on it.

"Are you married?" He is staring directly at my chest.

"I have a boyfriend." I manage to say amidst my fake "conversation" on the phone.

He looks at the day bed in the living room and back at me. "So can I call you some time?"

"No. You can't." I am deciding whether or not to flip out and totally attack him or slam the door. I freeze.

"Thanks, have a nice day."

He leaves. I lock the door.

5 minutes later he buzzes me from outside. I start to email my mom from work as she responds faster than a phone call for some weird fucking reason.

He buzzes again.

I call her office. No answer.

He buzzes again for a long long time.

I call 411 for for the Alexandria PD.

They give me Reagan Nat'l Airport.

F%CK 411 BY THE WAY.

I call my mom's cell phone. A lawyer from her firm answers.

"She left her cell phone when she left to go get the car, Kara."

I panic and really really do a bad job of explaining to her what is happening and all this time he is standing out there and I lose it.

I'm sorry. Really.

But after 7 years of something much worse than this and I still can't look at men the same way and now it's just shit like this that keeps refreshing it.

I'm done now. I am so fucking done.

.......So I am thinking I should work at Home Depot to expand my black book.

My guardian angel Dennis does not think this is a very good idea, but I think it's genius.

I mean, where else am I going to meet a gorgeous lumberjack?

Plus I can ride those weird tractor things they use to reach the stuff way up high. That would be GREAT!!

:D 

Okay. Everyone do a dance.

I am getting published againnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*leaves desk...dances...trips....falls....it's all you now*

(nickname): Karebear or K-Mac

(element): fire

(allergies): none

(broken bones): never

(surgeries): one for tonsils

(cavities): never

(are you more good than bad?): more good, definitely.

(ever gone through with a hit and run?): noooo. I mean I've hit a lot of cars, but people were all in them.

(kissed on the first date): mm, usually that's a no, but I'm sure there were a few where I pounced :)

(longest relationship): 2-1/2 years

(ever been engaged?): no

(biggest physical turn-on): baseballs caps and hands

(biggest mental turn-on): just the right amount of protectiveness

(biggest physical turn-off): long hair (for guys)

(biggest mental turn-off): lack of all-around courage

(strangest place you've given out your number): The emergency room. But it was mainly so that I would be examined by a doctor faster.

(ever intentionally poured a drink on someone?): yep. just once.

(ever danced on stage?): what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

(ever cheated in a relationship?): nope. 

(ever cheated at a game?): Monopoly--if you read the fine print, the banker is supposed to. ;)

(ever volunteered?): yes for battered women&children

(ever kept a stray animal?): ...if you only knew...

(ever read someone else's mail?): never.

(ever taken a neighbor's newspaper?): not as long as there's NBC4.com

(ever listened in on a phone conversation?): We were all 11 once...

(ever lied to your grandparents?): Ouch. ...you know what, actually? She used to live a few houses down from Ted Britt of Ted Britt Ford and my cousin and I "ran away" to their house to marry one of his seven sons. I was I think 13. We told my grandmother we were going for a walk, but we didn't intend to come back.

Sadly, we never married any of his delicous sons.

Wait one second.

There is cancer.

There is AIDS.

There is muscular dystrophy.

There is down syndrome.

There is bioterrorism.

There is pneumonia.

There is obesity.

There is herpes.

There is alzheimers.

There is anorexia.

There is alcoholism.

There is schizophrenia.

Look at it all...

Really. Does it matter?

Do we still care about each other?

What is the huge concept that keeps us from holding any kind of hand?

I heard something awful tonight.

And I needed to ask that question.

I needed to.

Time and Age

by KNM

I can't wait to see what it will all be like, later...

:)

Discovery is a fright, but I embrace it every time.

Maybe we've all got it?

I know I do. The first step is admitting it. The second step is to let the realization annoy you so much that it becomes your pet peeve. The third step is to ignore it. The fourth step is to become completely and utterly irritable with pet peeves in general.

I have weird pet peeves. This is why you should not ever mistake me for normal:

• I have to have all of my books standing up as opposed to laying on their sides.
• When I put dishes in the dishwasher, it simply cannot look crazy--It's like a dishware version of Noah's Ark--big plates, small plates, bowls, small glasses, big glasses, knives, forks, spoons are all in pairs and neatly aligned: ...I checked. They don't prescribe valiums for this kind of behavior. And it sucks.
• I can only wear long-sleeved shirts if they are so long that the ends exceed my wrists and cover half of my hands: since it's hard to find shirts with such long sleeves, I just wear short sleeves and freeze during the winter.
• When I am in my truck I have to know what every single preset radio station is playing before I can settle in to just one song: so to ignore this, I don't ever put on the radio.
• (this is a personal favorite) my grilled cheeses have to have burnt crusts, golden brown in the middle, with only American cheese. That is my ultimate favorite meal. I don't ever cook it though. I procrastinate.
• My final example...

I have this pet peeve about making sure my email box is constantly at "0" and when I get all of my weekly recipes and random recipe ads from various cooking websites, I leave them in there as new, thinking I'll be able to copy them into my prestigious, wonderous, to-die-for recipe kingdom that I have in My Documents.

That mailbox icon keeps staring at me, donning a "4" and not a "0". However, I am going to--once again--skip the opportunity to ease this particular annoyance and go watch what NetFlix has sent me.

Perhaps I have a mild case of Obsessive Compulsive Procrastination Disorder?

Have a good safe weekend, guys. And remember.

September 11th

by KNM

We still remember the day,

We still taste those tears.

The love for America

is still hot on our tongues

an eruption in our hearts

No matter the way

of seconds to come

We hold within us

the memory of

a reckless grasp

The memory of

Home

shattered, challenged.

Solid is the continuance,

brisk is the courage,

furious is the love

for the land we

have lived on ever...

since.

While the frosty flakes of snow fall on our mountains,

While the sunlight hits the gleaming green palms,

While the rich, pounding soil remains soft under our feet,

While the city lights stretch to our sky and the country breezes sleep so soundly,

we will always

salvage the rememberance,

watch our flag dance and whip in the winds

and feel the pride...

of those miraculous colors.

We are all lifted

We are all airborne

We are all free.

Ain't that America...

Okay we have a problem.

My new boss is totally hot.

Damn, where is my halo, I know I left it here somewhere...!!!

onemanshow80: k

SpiritEyes111: ara

onemanshow80: smart ass

SpiritEyes111: where are you?

onemanshow80: mike's

onemanshow80: you coming later tonight?

SpiritEyes111: where? and no.

onemanshow80: how is your truck

onemanshow80: you're not going to herndon tonight are you

SpiritEyes111: what sparks your interest on such a matter

onemanshow80: you're going to the wing house

SpiritEyes111: I don't admire your instincts. and Lolita is terrific, thanks.

onemanshow80: haha

onemanshow80: what are you doing today?

SpiritEyes111: you don't want to know.

onemanshow80: get off of betty crocker.com and go enjoy the day

SpiritEyes111: you know one of these days when we get married and I'm cooking you all of these elaborate, nutritious meals, you are really going to thank the fact that I was on here swiping recipes.

onemanshow80: I would never marry you

SpiritEyes111: there had better be a punchline.

onemanshow80: I would only ruin your life

SpiritEyes111: nothing could ever ruin my life.

SpiritEyes111: except if the Eagles beat the Packers this year.

onemanshow80: can I ask you something k

SpiritEyes111: no.

onemanshow80: who are you after

SpiritEyes111: hahaha!! That question is so illegal my friend.

onemanshow80: I'll just have to get you drunk

SpiritEyes111: seeing as how you're from Argentina and I'm from Ireland, do you really believe that feat to be possible?

onemanshow80: what's your poison kid

SpiritEyes111: a tall glass of you

onemanshow80: I'll call you later punk

SpiritEyes111: my new email is SpiritPunk111 *fyi*

onemanshow80: you know what I think I will marry you

SpiritEyes111: ...such a romantic.

onemanshow80: nothing could top my enjoying a nutritious meal while ruining your life

SpiritEyes111: we could get a dog together and name him Alimony.

onemanshow80: deal. what an excellent wife you'll be.

SpiritEyes111: ...with the assumption that I have accepted your half-ass proposal online.

onemanshow80: I'll be right over.

SpiritEyes111: SpiritPunk111 is not accepting proposals at this time. Please re-polish the ring and try again later.

onemanshow80: you're insufferable

SpiritEyes111: save it for our wedding toast. 

He is old, frail

no longer smooth at the surface

He rocks in his chair on the front porch

knowing he has been beaten.

Blessed by luck.

Beaten by time.

His heart ticks along with the

cherry-finished grandfather clock inside

the silent, dark house

So many women

wanted to claim that pathless heart...

Blessed by conniving opportunities.

Beaten by the absence of true love.

His dark, glassy eyes

sit still behind his glasses

His eyesbrows cocked upward

as he rocks in his chair

daring to imagine someone else rocking next to him

on that quiet porch

Too many women...only one right one

and he misses her now...

Blessed by charisma.

Blessed by wisdom.

Blessed by striking good looks.

Beaten by greed.

Beaten by bitterness

and the lonliness that

surely followed...

What purpose for his arms

but to hold her?

After so many empty years

he knows not

where she is...

Blessed by her.

Beaten by himself.

 I don't feel 22 sometimes.

I've fooled you.

You swear you're not like the rest.

Still you ask me

to dinner.

And I know what that means.

I just want the good.

I found a photograph from 1987 tonight.

Kristen (my cousin) and I were on our grandparents' deck wrestling on a lawn chair.

I was 5 and she was 4. The sun was so close to the horizon and it looked precious--but I could only see our two smiles in that old picture that had rounded, not pointed, edges.

I must have been happy. Laying there with her in that lawn chair, our tiny legs falling through the spaces of the outstretched chair.

The irony falls into place as of September 21, 2005. Kristen is calling me while I'm in rush hour and she's closing her office. We're complaining about work and we're joking about guys. We're throwing our wits about the theatrics of rush hour. All of a sudden we're adults and getting tangled into our grandparents' lawn chair isn't such a big deal anymore.

But we smiled so hard then...

I separated myself from the moment for a split second--and I was relishing in the fact that family is forever, and we've been through so much in 18 years--individually, we're all adults I suppose? What constitutes as an adult?

I'm so overwhelmed right now. I don't understand how the line crossed.

...Had to change the header. I got sick of looking at it. Plus I had the songs memorized.

After all, *whispers* I'm really not that innocent.

Mom: "Kara come look, the Harry Potter trailer is on TV!"

Kara: *runs like hell to the TV*

Mom: "It has too much witchcraft in it."

Kara: "It's not as dark or influential as The Craft or Practical Magic. It's thought-provoking, it wakes up the imagination. It's sweet, cooky literature. And it's fun."

Mom: "You know witches worship the devil..."